Your head is pounding and you’ve got no fucking clue where you are. There’s some bitch lying next to you and judging from the fact that you’re naked, you’re pretty confident you banged last night. Who the fuck is this chick? She’s definitely not from your Slam Piece Rolodex. She seems pretty passed out so you grab her purse and try to find an ID so you can show your bros pictures of her on facebook. NICE!! $40 IN CASH! She won’t miss this. Besides, that’s a pretty good deal for the best sex of her fucking life. Now it’s time to get the fuck out of here.
You try to get dressed until it hits you: FUCK - you were at a “#112 Anything but Clothes” party last night. Your costume? A shitload of saran wrap that made you look like one of Dexter’s victims. It’s ripped to shreds now thanks to fucking Sleeping Beauty over there. Luckily for you, you’re the fucking Bro MacGruber, so you grab some pins from her dresser, snatch her bathroom mat and Voila – you’re ready to hit the bricks. While some people might be embarrassed to walk by her neighbors out for their morning stroll wearing nothing but an oversized diaper, you don’t give a fuck. After all, last night you lived the American dream - you had sex with a stranger when your mind wasn’t even fucking working. Why would you EVER consider a walk like that shameful? Fuck that – you’re a fucking Bro, and you Stride with Pride.
Bros don’t even know what the word “shame” means. What would bros ever be sorry for? Being fucking awesome? Fuck that. The only time Bros ever regret banging a Slam Piece is when she looks she appeared after rolling a 5 in Jumanji. But even then, it’s not like all the fucking old people out walking their dogs/counting down the days until they die can tell you went Whale Spearing last night, so why would we be embarrassed about it?
Now I understand that girls still refer to their trudge across campus/their post-graduate city in their cocktail dresses and Fuck Me Boots as a Walk of Shame, but that’s acceptable. After all, it’s pretty shameful to be a fucking Whore. You pretty much deserve all the stares and children’s eyes getting covered that you get. Bros on the other hand treat these walks like a fucking ticker tape parade. You’ll never see a Bro more confident than after a night of blatantly disobeying everything he learned in Catholic School because some slut liked the way he #29 grinded.
So who are these fucking people trying to make our prideful stride into a shameful act? Fucking Bro-Haters that’s who. Have you ever seen the people out on a Saturday morning? How the fuck are they up so early? Oh, that’s right, they didn’t go out on Friday night to get wasted probably because they’re losers and don’t have any friends. What the fuck do people who don’t drink even do on the weekends? Honestly, what’s the point of living if you can’t get #142 blacked out with all your Bros then bang some girl whose name you don’t even know? Clearly they’ve realized their lives are meaningless so they get all fucking jealous and decide that just because we’re walking past their family in nothing but a strategically placed Coon-skin cap, that WE’RE the one’s who should be embarrassed. Fuck that. NEWSFLASH: your kids and wife don’t count as “friends.” Just admit you’re a fucking loser and get out of my face. Oh, and enjoy never having sex with the one vagina you married for the rest of your life.
Bros are like Athletes – we always prefer to play on our home turf, but sometimes we’ve got to take our talents on the road. Do we ever fucking lose on the road? Fuck no. We never fucking lose period. So why would we EVER be shameful of our performance? As Bros emerge from the threshold of our slayings, we don’t pray that no one sees us and scurry home to wash the sex off our bodies. We stand tall, with our heads held high. We dominated last night, so you better fucking believe we’re gonna Stride with Pride.
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Thursday, February 9, 2012
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15 comments:
I once took my stride of pride from Rittenhouse to my bro pad in West Philly (about three miles) wearing nothing but a speedo and goggles. There was some sort of theme event at the bar that night. Luckily it was warm that day.
Yup,
This one brings back one gold memory. In college, had to walk a mile back across campus in only her size small hoody,meshes, and boats. cause she ripped my shirt in three pieces. Tours were staring and bros were clapping out their windows and I could only smile, grin, and wave at the tours. Amazing stride of pride. Fuck walk of shame.
"Bros are like Athletes – we always prefer to play on our home turf, but sometimes we’ve got to take our talents on the road. Do we ever fucking lose on the road? Fuck no."
The first weekend of my junior year in college I woke up in a college dorm next to this hot ass girl who is now working as a #95 model. The night before that I #142 blacked out at my Bros #42 fraternity party (I barely remember the fraternity party) the last thing I really remember is that myself, my Bro and a few #101 younger chicks pounded countless #177 shots before we left my #32 bro pad. Anyway, it was like 11 a.m. on a Friday morning and I knew it was time to get the fuck out of there, especially since those dorm beds are fucking tiny. I #122 text my Bro to come pick me up because I was to #161 hungover to walk a mile and a half back to my apartment. As I was walking out of the hallway it was clear to all of the freshman that I didn't live there and I had just gotten laid since I was wearing #135 designer clothes that would only be worn out at night, I had a hicky on my neck (probably not Bro but again I was blacked out) and I still couldn't walk straight. As I got on the elevator a kid got off with his dad who looked at my weird (people were still moving into their dorms since it was move in week) and then on my way out the front door of the dorm building a kid who was definitely a #94 token black bro gave me a nod and a #13 fist pound (he knew what was up). I then stumbled out to the street where my Bro was waiting there after #85 driving fast as fuck to get there. #193 Stride of Pride I think YES!
Bro as shit!
It was the night before New Year's Eve, and I went out to the nicest bar my little shit hole of a town (One that served alcohol and had slam pieces who never left the town after high school who were eager to bang an out of town bro) had to offer with my brother, his GF (Yeah, not bro), and his GF's friend (slam piece). Where we continued to slam red bull vodkas and make every bro-hater look at me for being the only one on the dance floor grinding the shit outta that slam piece.. which was also the last thing I remember before waking up to my dad knocking on my door. I was then met with a stare of shock as he look at me in my bed naked, which I was like what a complete bro-hater, but it wasn't the fact that I was naked. It was the slam piece laying next to me in my bed. He then called me out into the living room and gave me a talk about "BLAH BLAH watch your drinking BLAH BLAH responsibility BLAH." He then gave me a breathalyzer (pig) to which I blew a 0.16 upon waking up and immediately during this my phone rang telling me that my bros were outside ready to head to Vegas for New years. I then proceeded to do my Stride of pride out into the living towards the front door in gym shorts, no t-shirt, and my duffle bag to the shock of my mother, Brother's GF, and father. My brother gave me a fist pound as he opened the door to my new adventure.
I didn't have to stride with pride because a cab magically showed up but the other night i broke into a ex girlfriends house and trashed the shit out of it! I was blackout drunk, the cops showed up but fuck the police my dads a lawyer!Went back to the bro pad and partied with Tilted kilt sluts all night! I love being a bro!
Broads take the Walk of Shame
Bros take the Walk of Acclaim
The ultimate stride of pride occurs when you walk directly from last night's slam's house to a different slam's house for a morning fuck sesh instead of going home.
Accomplished this feat my Junior year. Blacked out at a fraternity formal and woke up around 11 in my date's bed at her place. While taking a piss in her bathroom I get a text from slam #2 saying her roommate's gone and she wants me to come over. Immediately throw on my clothes and tell slam #1 I gotta take off. 10 minutes later I'm at slam #2's house. 20 minutes later my dick's in her mouth. Didn't even shower before I went over there. I probably should have asked her how slam #1's pussy tasted.
Bro Life.
Great article NYB keep em coming!
Love the MacGruber reference. As he would say, that post was fuckin' tits.
"The only time Bros ever regret banging a Slam Piece is when she looks she appeared after rolling a 5 in Jumanji."
This has to be one of the top 10 lines ever. I spit beer all over my desk at work when I read this. Classic NYB.
hahaha funny stuff. i love the concept of thinking ur the shit after banging nd simultaneously thinking the girl u banged is a fucking whore for having sex with u. shit is gold- actually made me laugh out loud. U need to write more shit like that, I think ur at ur funniest when u take that pseudo sarcastic-ish tone. nah mean?
The real story here is the AWESOME double standard. Bros get more awesome the more bitches they bang while hos just get more worthless. Haha, good post bro
^A key that can open any lock is a master key. A lock that can be opened by any key is just a shitty fuckin lock.
The Stride of Pride vs. the Walk of Shame just proves how awesome double standards are and why bitches/bras will always be beneath bros. To anonymous above me: Get your ghetto crackwhore-ass the fuck off this site and jump off the third floor of your projects. Fucking dumbasses like you ruin the comment section. Also, I gotta agree with MacGruBRO on that Jumanji line, fucking classic NYB.
The jumanji reference was honestly, the best line iv heard in i cant tell you how long. I read ur posts all the time and 99/100 are amazing, but i had to finally make a comment bc of how disgustingly awesome that reference was...good god..
"That bitch rolled a 5"
-New line of the year when u see a nasty
Is Mac Miller a bro?
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