Nobody fucks with Bros. I mean, sure they fucking try, but it’s pretty much just a death wish. If any Bro-Hater ever fucks with me or my Bros, you better believe there’s gonna be a fucking war. Now, even though we’ve seen every episode of #73 The Wire, that doesn’t mean wars entail “tooling up” or fucking beating the shit out of some Hoppers on the corner with baseball bats. Fuck that – we’re not trying to “catch a body like that” as hardcore gangster rapper/Degrassi High alumnus Drake once said. Instead, we hit those motherfuckers where it hurts. We prank the shit out of them.
If you just said to yourself, “Oh, pranks! Just like Punk’d!” Go fuck yourself. No seriously, go have sex with yourself right now, because that’s honestly the best you’re ever going to fucking do, so you might as well settle right now rather than get your heart broken by Swamp Thing-like creatures for the rest of your life. Anyone that thinks Ashton Kutchar and Punk’d is what being a Bro is all about needs to take a long look in the mirror. What was the last thing Kutchar did that made him a fucking bro? Knowing what Bruce Willis’s dick tastes like? Stabbing one of the greatest #150 Bro Kings of our time in the fucking back and taking his job? Fucking take your trucker hats to your next fucking Rom-Com set and leave the pranking to the professionals. Anyways, here’s a couple characteristics of any solid Bro Prank:
Destructive: When Bros play pranks, shit gets fucking destroyed. We don’t play “fun pranks” where we convince the Prankee that today’s Tuesday instead of Wednesday or hide their pens or some shit. We make them wish they’d never been born. I always love the look on some little bitch’s face when he finds out that I #33 burned all his shit as a prank. Sure, in some parts of country it could technically be considered arson, but not if it’s a prank! I mean, come on, it’s not like I’m burning crosses in his yard for representing Carl Lee Hailey. Besides, my Dad’s a lawyer so I’ve got fucking immunity.
Always Get the Upper Hand: While bros are typically the instigator in pranks, every once in a while people get all delusional and shit and think they can actually beat Bros at the art of Pranking. It never turns out well. You see, no matter what CRAZY prank those bitches pull, you better fucking believe Bros are coming back harder and stronger.
Back in College some girls thought they could fucking beat us. They thought wrong. First they put a flaming bag of dog shit on our front porch, so we took the next logical step and spray painted “FUCK YOU WHORES” on their front door for the entire neighborhood to see. For some reason this didn’t stop them. Instead they decided to drive around for like 2 fucking hours to find some dead Opossum on the side of the road and put it on our Grill. This is where we drew the line and took shit to the next level. We broke into their house, smashed their fucking bunk beds, spray painted “SWEET DREAMS SLUTS” on their mattresses, unloaded an entire stolen Fire Extinguisher in their living room, and just so they knew who did it, we spread that fucking Opossum’s guts all over their flat screen TV. Needless to say, they surrendered and we fucking won. Bros always fucking win.
Bros are like America. You fuck with any of our shit, you better believe your entire life is going to get fucked up. Bros refuse to just roll over and take your shit, so I’d fucking advise you not to even think about bringing it. But, if for some fucking reason you decide to prank a bro, just remember one thing: You come at the Bro King, you best not miss
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Thursday, February 2, 2012
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14 comments:
Rob Gronkowski. Look, after going to school in Boston and dealing with douchebag bandwagon Patriots fans for years I hate them as much as the next guy. But Gronk is the textbook definition of "Bro King".
You forgot to mention that young bros learn at an early age the art of pranking when we go off to our elitist summer camps with sailing, sports, horses etc. There was this loser that tried to "prank me" by hitting me with a water balloon. I instituted a 5x worse policy so naturally retaliated by getting all my buddies to lob water balloons and paper towels filled with toothpaste at him while he took a shit, then filled our cantenes and soaked his whole bed and all his clothes. oh ya and i was fucking 12
The Omar Little line at the end of this made the post
HAHA thats fucking awesome! btw NYB u gotta write a post about this: Me an my bros were going to grab some food after a night of hard drinking. When the bill came, my bro was short a dollar and so he was looking in his wallet for spare change but could only come up with a condom. He looked at me and i yell fucking A. So we tip the waitress with a condom and.....she just blows her shit! she called up immature and asked us to leave right away...definitely wasn't expecting the bitch to flip her shit...anyway u better believe that we r gonna continue tipping condoms!
^Not bro. If for some reason you don't have cash then pull out your fucking platinum card. But a nice dine and dash never hurt anyone...
^^true bro
My freshman dorm roommate was a real bro-hating GDI nerd douchebag. He spent the whole year complaining to our RD about me just because I liked to rage hard. Some of the choice write-ups I received were for destroying our lamp during a cocaine blackout and banging slampieces on his bed while he was in the library. (Sorry for partying, nerd).
Anyway, towards the end of the year I come home wasted at 3AM after some raging with my Bros. It's finals week and Roomie is sound asleep because he has to give a presentation the next morning for his Poli-Sci class. Remembering that he mentioned his presentation involved showing his class a YouTube clip of one of the presidential debates, I immediately get a light bulb for a hilarious prank.
I grab his laptop, open his browser, and set his homepage to a streaming clip of cumshot compilations on YouPorn so that it will launch automatically the next time he starts it. Click the browser off when I'm done, turn his volume up to the max, and put his laptop back where it was, and pass out with a smile on my face.
I wake up at about noon the next day to him screaming at me about what an asshole I am after he returned from class. Sure enough, while giving his big presentation he opened his browser, only to have a clip pop up of Peter North splattering some porn slut's face with jizz and moaning obscenely. He was hooked up to the overhead projector at the time, so the entire class of like 60 people and his professor saw it. He got in a shitload of trouble with the Dean and for the rest of college has been known as "the projector porn guy". Of course he blamed me for it but I'm a Bro naturally I got off scott-free.
Pranks are the shit.
You mean Bromar Little's line?
Fuck yeah omar little quote is awesome. However Hardcore Gangster Rapper and Drake should never be said in the same sentence. I strongly disagree with the Drake quote, as Drake is pretty much a fuckin girl who sings pop music. NOT A BRO.
^ looks like you just fucked in the ass on Saturday by NYB's sarcasm.
Lol well I read the /Degrassi High part, so that clarifies that he is definitely NOT a bro, but just wasn't sure why he would quote him there.
Hahaha in that case..disregard my last
Some betches wrote inside my fellow bros car with lipstick and tore up some papers at a party last weekend. You better fucking believe at 4 in the morning me and my bros egged the shit out of her car and covered it like fucking paint with mcchicken sauce and ketchup. Betches dont have shit on bros.
My bros and I pranked some total boner...We put an ad on craigslist that he was giving away free X-box games and X-box with his phone number listed. On a side note we wrote that he works a lot and is busy so if "I" don't answer keep calling and leave multiple voice mails. Let's just say he changed his number.
Trandana, you're an idiot if you didn't pick up on the sarcasm in this post.
I feel bad that the level of intellect required to comprehend these posts is too much for you.
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