Bros fucking love taking dumps. Whether it’s the #161 hangover shit, your average morning growler or just a good old fashioned #97 upper decker, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s a fucking enjoyable experience that bros will not only willingly #25 describe (size, length, color, texture, smell, etc.), but in certain special circumstances, we’ll even take pictures of that shit to send to all our bros to prove just how fucking big it was. While bros always enjoy the luxury of their #32 Bro Pad’s home turf, sometimes we just don’t have that luxury. You see, #164 after College is over, bros move on to the real world where we’re forced to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, doing nothing but drink coffee and surf the internet. Obviously that bitch Mother Nature will hit you up at some point, but there’s no reason to screen that call. Bros fucking answer that shit because we love taking dumps at work.
One of the many great things about being a bro and not a girl is the pride we get to take in our shits. As shocking as it might seem, even hot girls poop, which is fucking disgusting. Girls are always so embarrassed and self-conscience about the smell of their dumps, which is a good thing because they fucking should be. Bros, on the other hand, love everything about their shit, from the buildup where they talk about how they’re “about to give birth to a fucking 15 pound child,” to the aftermath where they brag about how they “BLEW THAT SHIT UP, SON.” So why should this be any different at work? Well first of all, thanks to fucking #133 feminists, bros aren’t allowed to talk about the damage they’re about to inflict on the toilet and they’re DEFINITELY not allowed to send people pictures of their shit. But somehow in this fucking brocist World of censorship known as “the workplace” bros still manage to find a way to make their shitting experience an enjoyable one.
No matter how fucking loaded a bro’s Dad is, every time he gets that first job out of College he’s gonna break down how much he’s making per hour. There’s no better time where this information comes in handy than when he’s taking a dump. Basically the longer he sits on that toilet reading ESPN articles on his smart phone, the more money he gets paid. Making cash to take a dump is about as bro as it fucking gets.
But where are you gonna do it? Every bro’s got his home away from home at work. It pretty much all depends on “what are the chances there will be some fucking guy next to me.” Sometimes I’ll hit up 5 bathrooms to find an empty row of stalls if there’s a fucking shitting convention in the first 4 and no matter what, I ALWAYS use the handicapped stall. “BUT NYB, WHAT IF A DISABLED PERSON NEEDS TO USE THE BATHROOM?” OH, YEAH RIGHT – umm, pardon me, but the last time I checked I work at an actual company, not the fucking Special Olympics. And besides, when has anyone ever seen an actual handicapped person use the big stall anyways? Try fucking never. I’m pretty sure they only invented the handicapped stall to make it easier for people to hold their balance when they’re #52 banging in a public restroom.
Unfortunately, sometimes even your fucking deserted island of a bathroom will get invaded by Others. This is the fucking worst. You know, you’re just sitting there going through old text messages and shit, having a great time, when some huge ass old Indian dude sits down and immediately starts panting and grunting like he’s having a fucking heart attack. When this happens, half of me wants to the ask if he’s OK, while the other half of me is so terrified I want to fucking waddle-run out of the stall with my pants around my ankles. If I’m forced to fucking stay and listen the only noises worse than hearing my parents have sex, then you better believe I’m gonna time my exit so I don’t have to make eye contact with this fucking beast. I mean, imagine finding out it was your boss or some shit. How could you come to work everyday after you’re pretty sure you witnessed his miscarriage?
Nobody loves dumping in public, but when you’re at the office, you gotta face that music. While loser bro-haters might get out the disinfectant and paper seat shields or even do “the hover,” bros don’t give a fuck. We’re fucking Honey Badgers. We plop down, break out our smart phones, start counting our growing paper stack, and enjoy the shit out of our fucking shit.
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Thursday, September 29, 2011
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31 comments:
This is fucking genius. I work at the law school at the college I go to and have this one special bathroom in a quiet part of the library. It's always silent and unoccupied... sometimes can even squeeze off a fap sesh
Been waitin for this one. Love makin 50$ to drop a bomb and chirp on fb. I'd always go 2 floors down and shit in the other companies bathroom just so I could be even prouder of the damage
It's also a great strategy to take a shit like 15-20 minutes before lunch so you just string that break out longer. Working chaws is also encouraged while taking a shit at work. Or if you have large amounts of time to kill with absolutely nothing to do at work, take a shit and just sit there with a Playboy or Hustler for like 30-45 minutes. Nobody will question you ever because hey, you had to take a shit and it just wouldn't come out. Who can argue with that? Not the fucking bossman, that's who.
Reading this as I take a shit at work. Cracking up in the stall.
Idk, paper shields are straight...not trying to get AIDS. Other than that everything is true. You're like Ernest Hemmingway bro hahaha.
Whenever I feel duress.
I always make an S.
Boom.
Reading this as I take a dump at work with my afternoon lip in. Clutch as always NYB. When a person sits next to me in a stall, I try to be as loud as possible to get them to leave first. After all, I was there first
Also a great way to sneak in a quick 15-20 minute nap to help cure the hangover.
Gotta call out the Anonymous claiming he makes $50 while taking a dump. Even if that's an hour shit, dude claims he's making over $100k. If it's a more realistic 15 minutes, that's over $400k/year. Are we talking $50 a week that you make dumping? That's a little more realistic; assuming five 15-minute dumps a week and you pull in $50 while dumping every week, that's making a solid $83k/year.
wish i wasnt fucking unemployed. i used to work at a dining hall (named after a jew for some reason) at uconn.. had a buncha kids from one of those retard camps workin in our dining hall and whenever i had to go to the bathroom at the same time as one of them id take the short cut that they obviously didnt know about and steal the handicap stall.. listening to those fucking guys take dumps is pure gold too
I usually never take the time to comment on these posts but I have to say this one is top notch. I am actually in school right now and left class to take a shit in the faculty bathroom all by myself. I even just finished reading an espn article about those fucking red sox and now i'm on this site hogging the wifi and reading this genius post on my Droid. I've been here for about 30 minutes now and this sure as hell beats sitting in a hot classroom learning about fucking statistics. Good shit NYB
gotta picture message all your bros when you find that lochness monster swimming around in the bowl
You forgot about battle shits with your bros
This shit is truth. There's nothing better than getting paid to take a nice 30-minute leisurely dump while updating your fantasy football roster, facebook messaging sluts, or anything else you feel like doing when you're supposed to be working. It's not like the company's losing money over it. Bros are the smartest fucking people on the planet which means we can do more in one hour than most bro-hating losers do in eight. That way we can devote the rest of our our workday to Bro pursuits like gambling and setting up bitches to slam after work.
First thing I do when I get to the office is grab my fratberry and hit the handicap stall of the top-floor bathroom for a nice long brownie-making sesh. Yeah my boss gets pissed when he can't find me for morning meetings, but he can go fuck himself. If he really needs something, then my secretary (aka the Ivy-league chick who sits next to me and has the same title but makes 20 grand less than I do) can take care of it. My dad's on the company board - I set my own fucking hours.
Bro Life.
Dude sometimes you gotta shit at work out of necessity. I once ran out of toilet paper at home and had to shit at work for the rest of the week because I was too busy drinking to go buy more.
I love telling my co workers, "Going to take the Browns to the Super Bowl" or "Gotta take the Cosby kids to the pool" when I have to shit at work. Great post as always NYB.
Launchin war canoes and layin gentleman's eggs.
The only way to read this post is while taking a shit at work. Period.
Hahaha. Gold. No better feeling than getting paid to take a shit.
Extra poitns for shitting in the womens bathroom and not flushing
The best is leaving a "drop a deuce" number count on the side of the stall. Dont have a swiss army knife or sharpie marker on you? No worries, nothing better than sketching some ancient hierogylph tallies in with some leftover debris. Everytime I ditto dirty sanchez on the wall it makes me feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway, minus the fucking volleyball.
Nothing beats a shit battle with the guy next in the stall next to you. I always try to make sure I stay longer than him for self satisfaction
droppin a dime on company time
Pro tip: Eating thai food at lunch causes you to make more money while on the john.
DADOTC - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DADOTC
Just had to leave my story on here:
so i took a quality dump today at work and just as i was about to get up, some black kid with socks and sandals comes in and pops a squat. challenge accepted. i waited for 45 fucking minutes and i thought i might have to give up this round because the seat was so uncomfortable, but then i remembered this post and saw the need to stick this one out. after a total of about an hour and a half, he gets up and leaves. i got paid for an hour and a half of playing angry birds, and i got the personal victory. clutch article NYB!
i gotta agree with all those anonymous bros above me... nothing brings me more satisfaction than battleshits on the clock.
if someone walks in next to you, start grunting and farting as loud as possible, complete with satisfactory sigh or a "fuuucckk yesss" after each fatty deuce. bro as fuck.
I love using the girls bathroom to drop my duce, it's always cleaner in there.
These are great. As I'm on my thrown slapping down a couple loafers lol
I've been-on many "Search-and-Destroy" missions, at work. I search, for an acceptable men's room to use, then walk-in, then destroy the ability of other people to breathe in there.
A super smelly nacho induced duke is known as a beef queef. Aka BQ.
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