You’ve been waiting for this shit for the past six months and it’s finally here: the big fucking game. You set up your #68 tailgate at 5am after telling your slam piece to “Take your shit and go,” at 4:30. For the past 5 hours you’ve been getting your fucked up on, but now it’s time to wander over to the College Gameday set. You heard they try to censor the shit out of the signs, so you brought your best three just in case: “Erin Andrews: The Sequel Films Tonight!,” “Pat Summit Can’t Remember the Alamo” and your safety net: “NYB 2012: End Brocism.” Not even the worst Brocist in the World could reject all three. As you casually make your way across the parking lot aka screaming at every single #26 opposing fan to get off your fucking property or else you’ll snap off their necks and shit down their fucking throats, you see her: the hottest girl in your entire class. Only problem is, she’s with her boyfriend.
You don’t get this shit, this guy’s a loser. He’s not even in College, he’s in fucking Medical School. What’s with this nerd? Can’t get laid in grad school? Have to import that shit, don’t you Nurse Focker? Fucking loser. That’s when you realize – fucking Doogie Howser is wasted as shit – and clearly can’t hold his liquor. You scream at a bro you see nearby, “RUN INTERFERENCE,” and swoop in with the hot chick. Within 10 minutes, as motherfucking Grey’s Anatomy is throwing up in some trashcan, she’s coming back to your place for “a drink.” You toss your Gameday shit in the trash, because after all, where you’re going, you won’t need signs: motherfucking Pound Town. You’re a bro and you fucking love poaching bitches.
Bros don’t recognize the phrase “off limits.” What’s the difference between being “In a Relationship” and being able to bang whoever you want? A conversation and a click on a facebook dropdown box. There’s not some binding legal agreement that just because you’re someone’s girlfriend means you can’t hook up with a bro. I always fucking hate it when I’m #29 grinding on girls at the bar and moving in for that patented giraffe-neck-behind-the-back-makeout when they turn their head telling me, “I can’t - I’ve got a boyfriend.” OH SO YOU CAN RUB YOUR ASS ALL OVER MY FUCKING HALF CHUB, BUT KISSING WOULD DISGRACE YOUR BOYFRIEND?? Fuck that. Fact: If a girl sets foot into a bar, with or without her boyfriend, they’re fair game. She didn’t put on that fucking pushup bra and skintight jeans “just to dance.” Just like bros are always on the lookout for the next best thing – so are slam pieces. Poaching other guys’ girls is a fucking time honored tradition.
No matter how much we love poaching, we never fucking do that shit to our own. There is, however, an exception. Now every group of bros has that one guy who girls always want to bang, but he can just never close. The hottest girls always surround him, but for some reason or another, he never gets any action. It’s not so much that he’s gay or anything, but he’s just fucking clueless. Having a bro like this is like fishing for #175 sharks with that guy’s beating heart from “Temple of Doom” – it’s a fucking layup line. The second you start to see girls hovering around him, you realize he’s got no chance in fucking hell to close on that shit, but who’s going to be there to swoop in to trap that fucking endangered animal? That’s right, the motherfucking Poacher Bro. Sure your bro might get pissed at you the next morning for banging the girl he spent his entire night talking to about God knows what, but it’s his own fault. Every bro knows the standard allotted time for closing slam pieces is 30 minutes. At 30 minutes and 1 second, it’s the first fucking day of hunting season.
When someone’s “in a relationship,” they act like they belong to someone else, like they’re their fucking property. Hmm, let’s try to think of another time in history where people were treated like property – oh, that’s right, FUCKING SLAVERY. Poaching girls isn’t done to ruin anyone’s life or be complete assholes, we’re fucking Abolitionists! When bros see an injustice, we put an end to that shit. Sure we hunt on private property, but who gives a shit - we’re bros and you better fucking believe we love poaching.
Follow Me on Twitter
Like Bros Like This Site on Facebook
Friend Me on Facebook
Friday, September 23, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
19 comments:
on point as usual, and a good college game day reference for tomorrow in Morgantown WV! motherfuckers gonna burn to the ground
so true NYB. I've poached 3 bitches and wont slow down
I plan on visit the old stomping ground this weekend & find some slam pieces w/ their one way ticket to pound town already punched!
Bro on bro violence is caused by poaching another bro's potential slam. Were tryin to put and end to this NYB. It's never chill to snatch another bro's strange.
Dear Mr. Anonymous 11:19am,
Bros don’t recognize the phrase “off limits.”
Sincerely,
You don't get this shit :D
Bros have been running the underground pound town express for years liberating bitches all along the way
Cheers beers and the mountaineers!
good post, i agree cuz if a bitch is willing to be poached by a bro and cheats on her guy anyways, then she deserves to get broken up with, if the guy finds out. bros test that shit so in a way its a favor
Everyone is single if you try hard enough.
It's a good thing for bros 'trying hard enough' means getting out of bed in the morning.
I don't even recognize the existence of boyfriends. Me + my game + my dick + hot bitch = Pound Town. No lame bro-hating boyfriend ever even enters the equation.
A couple months ago I met this 8-piece at the bar and started grinding the shit out of her. When I told her I was ready to leave and said she should come back to my place, she said "I can't, I have a boyfriend." I didn't even pause to think about it. I just said "I don't give a fuck. Let's go." She recognized my alpha-ness immediately and was out the door right behind me. An hour later I was balls-deep in her snatch.
Once I run my game on a chick, it's fucking on. There's nothing her bro-hater boyfriend can do to stop me. If he happens to be there and tries to say shit, I just shut him down with my superior wit, humiliating him and reminding him of Bros' complete social dominance. If he tries to fight me, I'll lay his ass out with one punch just as easily. Either way his girl realizes what a fucking pussy her boyfriend is and she'll be dripping for me like a goddamn rainforest. The only thing he can hope for is that I find a hotter girl than his chick at the bar and leave with her instead.
Bros always win.
NYB - great column, but you got one thing wrong. A Bro who can't close with girls is not a Bro in the first place, so any slams he might be working on that night are fair game and there's no breach of Bro code when you poach one from him. Those slams are yours - he's just keeping them occupied until you're ready to take one home.
very true, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score
This is the "Underground Railroad" for Bro's .. Believe that
In response to Anonymous' comment: "It's never chill to snatch another bro's strange."
You're completely wrong. I'm all about ending bro on bro violence, which is why it's never chill to snatch another bro's chick. There is no form of possession with strange. It's always chill to snatch another bro's strange.
Sorry Morganstown, but it looks like life is much better as an LSU breaux. Don't fuck with the SEC...
Just because there is a goalie, does not mean you can't score.
Bro Hard and Bro Often.
Well bros, if there's anything we like more than poaching bitches it's denying, degrading and beating the shut out of some douche bag who's trying to move in on your earmarked pussy
"The man with bro name" You had some pretty good stuff 2 say, except where im from Real men dont fight over bitches!!! You must know the RIGHT bars to try this shit....We all like pussy, but it isnt worth your life dude...Trust me that "BILLY BAD ASS" shit will get you shot or stomped beyond recognition where I'm from
Fucking slams who already have boyfriends is one of my favorite pastimes. They're usually great in bed because they've been so used to boring sex with their loser boyfriend that they use the pound-town sesh with a true Bro like me to really let loose and do freaky shit. It's even better when the guy finds out later because he's all pissed off but he can't do anything about it since nobody fucks with Bros.
One time I was at a party and this bro-hater comes up to me all pissed off. The exchange was priceless:
Bro Hater: "Hey, are you Jeff?"
Me: "Yeah, why?"
Bro Hater: "You fucked my girlfriend the other week."
Me: "I fuck a lot of people's girlfriends, hoss. You'll have to be more specific."
He was so shocked he couldn't even say anything else and just walked off like a bitch. Pussy thought he was going to have some big satisfying confrontation with the Bro who destroyed his whole life, only to realize that his slam was just one of a long line of randos I banged and whose name I didn't even bother remembering (I seriously never even found out her name from this guy - she could have been any chick).
Bros up, Bro Haters down.
Post a Comment