Bros, decided to dip back into the old mailbag before heading to Dewey Beach. Things I’m looking forward to this weekend: BBQing, #4 Chanting U-S-A, #142 Blacking Out 5 hours before the Sun sets, and those smoking hot Red, White, & Blue #128 Bikinis.
Anyways, on to the mail – if you’ve got questions send it to NedsYoungerBrother@gmail.com or @NedsYoungerBro on twitter.
I want to support your website, but you’re not on MySpace. Why don’t you start a page so all your MySpace fans can interact with you?
Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck uses MySpace anymore? Who the fuck ever used MySpace? The best part about MySpace used to be that if anyone ever asked you, “So, are you on MySpace?” you immediately knew they didn’t go to College, meaning you were automatically better than them and/or they were a fucking serial killer. I remember hearing all kinds of shit like, “Oh yeah, I get so much fucking pussy from MySpace.” Honestly, if you’re picking up girls using the internet, you’re on a slippery slope to taking a seat next to newly crowned Bro King Chris Hanson and the Dateline crew explaining why you’ve got a big tub of lube and a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade in your backpack.
Speaking of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, have you noticed all their commercials are trying to make it seem cool for guys to order that shit, you know, just as a change of pace from “boring” beer? You know they’re just jealous of Smirnoff for all that “Bros Icing Bros” shit last year, but I’m sorry Mike, we’re not starting shit with your disgusting ass excuse for alcohol. They should really try to advertise to their actual market – fat, bald, middle age men looking to bang little kids. I can see the tagline now: “Mike’s Hard Lemonade: Cold. Hard. Lubricating.”
NYB, last week I was out at the bar and after a night of grinding on some slam piece and buying her drinks (I know a true bro never buys girls drinks, I’m sorry I was really drunk) I go in for the makeout only to be batted away. Turns out she had a fucking boyfriend!! How do I avoid this problem in the future??
I know everyone wants me to say some shit like, “WHO GIVES A FUCK?? BANG HER ANYWAYS!!! YOU’RE A BRO!!!” but come on, I’m not gonna lie, this shit’s happened to me too. All the girls out there will be saying, “She’s just making that up because she doesn’t want to bang you,” but that’s fucking bullshit. I swear to fucking God the past couple times this shit happened, the girl was the one who approached me, started grinding, gave me her number, and even bought me drinks, then drops the fucking bomb on me that she’s got a fucking boyfriend. I don’t even know why girls with boyfriends even set foot in the bar. What’s the fucking end game here? You feel better about yourself just because some guys hit on you? Wow, your self-esteem must be really low. It’s probably because your boyfriend cheats on you. Bars really need to be stricter on their admission policy. Sure they keep the underage kids out with their fucking Bro-Hater #ID scans, but let’s take it a step further. Girls should have to show they’re not in a relationship, by oh I don’t know, making out with a bouncer, just to prove they’re game. Also, there should be a scale to weed out fat chicks.
Where is the most Bro place to go on vacation?
A Bro’s summer vacation never revolves around checking shit off their bucket list (besides any sexual related items) or pretty much anything to do with culture. To be honest, you really don’t need to go anywhere special as long as you’ll be able to get wasted a majority of the time and there’ll be plenty of opportunities to get some strange.
I’d say on any solid vacation you need to be drunk at least 75% of your waking hours. And for the people out there who just spit their coffee all over their computer screens, gasping and screaming, ALCOHOLICS!!! go fuck yourself. We’re on fucking vacation, not in the office or the fucking classroom. But don’t you want to remember your vacation?? Remember what? The ocean? Newsflash: I know what the fucking ocean looks like.
You’ve also got to be careful that the place you’re heading to will have slam pieces. All those online travel websites should have some sort of symbol like they do indicating if the resort has smoking, kids shit, handicapped accessibility (avoid these), etc. that lets bros know if there are bitches looking for a pounding. I’d like to formally offer the Pound Town Express as that symbol, but I’m open to suggestions.
You really gotta be careful though, especially with those all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean. It may seem like a great deal, but 9 times out of 10, when you arrive you’ll discover that the only available chicks are like 50, divorced and have such ridiculous Botox they look like fucking RuPaul. Having the option to go out to bars to meet other vacationing slam pieces should be a top priority, because after all, no matter how tame or how much of a “good girl” she is at home, every girl on vacation turns into a fucking slut.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
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18 comments:
This should be a regular feature, the world needs a forum in which it can ask advice of the supreme bro and have him weigh in on relevant topics.
Spot on as always.
Beyond clutch. After a long week at the office, just as I sit down to pregame the pregame at my bro's house before hitting the bar, I get to read this. Great way to start celebrating America this weekend
Jeremiah Weed is doing the same thing as Mikes with their marketing tactics, having a bunch of ripped middle aged men doing "manly" things like arm wrestling tournaments and eating 10 lb cheeseburgers. Curiosity got the best of me so I bought a can and sure enough all it is is fucking Mikes Hard in a tall boy can.
This guy spent an entire night dancing with some girl AND buying her drinks before he even tried to go for a kiss? That dude got played hardcore for some free drinks.
To avoid this me and my bros follow this simple guideline. After two songs, make your move. If a girl wont make out with you after you've been dancing for that long then she is either not going to hook up at all that night for whatever lame excuse she gives or she'll eventually make out but will definitely not fuck you that night. Either way, she isn't worth your time. On to the next one.
In response to weeding fat girls out of bars I propose a simple scale system at the door: 115 lbs to enter (I know, 110 lbs is ideal, but I'm giving them five pounds of lee-way for shoes, purses, etc.)Also, this would give bros in line the entertainment of heckling the rejects
Boyfriends are relative. It's no problem, just a challenge, I've regularly banged chicks with boyfriends. Although there's always the few that say 'no' anyway, usually it's just a way of shoving the blame for cheating off of them, so it's no biggie. Boyfriend should've not been such a pussy to begin with.
A Boyfriend is just an obstacle.
Haha, myspace. Haha, how was it getting your degree at DeVry University?
Dewey bound.
I've regularly banged a few girls that have boyfriends but it can still be a challenge even for a Bro. What I think is so fucked up is a few times I've asked for a waitresses cell number while #71 eating meat at a #135 expensive restaurant. I can't decide if asking for a girls # at a restaurant is Bro or Not Bro but regardless I've never been denied but a few times I looked them up on facebook and sure enough they have a boyfriend. And some of those times they weren't down for a pound. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR # OUT TO A BRO IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND DON'T PLAN ON BANGING THE BRO???
"What’s the fucking end game here? You feel better about yourself just because some guys hit on you? Wow, your self-esteem must be really low. It’s probably because your boyfriend cheats on you." SPOT ON!!!!!!
NYB You are the next Albert Einstein
My x-girlfriend from high school (I know having a girlfriend isn't Bro but it was high school and where I'm from even the Broest kid at my high school couldn't pull random). Anyway, this girl is engaged now and she is trying to flirt with me all over facebook constantly. Reason of course being she wants to know if she is still good looking enough for me to hit on her, which she isn't. What is the matter with girls??? Even most bro-hater guys with girlfriends won't hit up x-girlfriends for the only reason to see if they will hit on them or not
Just cause there's a goalie in the net doesn't mean you can't score. Also if you're hitting on a girl with a boyfriend, you're only competing with one guy instead of hundreds.
Okay firstbof all yourbfucking security check is bullshit add makes me a unhappy man. Second. Beer is fjckig good and I love it. Also, a silver bullet aka coors light fits in my Audi cupholdrt very nicely. Fuck bro hatred
Yo Duff, Thats a good fucking idea. The two song weed out process. I never thought of that shit. Usually I just go for it when it feels right (whenever I am at peak drunkness). I'm gonna introduce that shit as a new rule to my bros at home. NYB, thanks for another sick fucking post as usual.
Bras with boyfriends are the best. After the night out, it is so easy to kick them out. Happy birthday America.
Boyfriends = speed bumps, NOT stop signs
Every time I reach the end of a post I cry a little (but by cry I mean I bunch the shit outa the nearest kid to me). This is truely touching material. (And by touching I mean touching pussy with my pole). This stuff in inspirational (and by inspirational I mean inspiring for me to knock out some bf bro-haters and mack on their slam piece, then toss her out of the car and DD (drive drunk) home.)
I don't know, brostool. I can agree with pretty much everything as high bro you post on anything else, but I draw the line when you think hanging out in Dewey is bro. Step it up a notch.
lamar brodom, you're an asshole. unless you look like david fucking beckham how dare you propose a weight limit. 110 lbs? 115 for shoes/purses? i'm 115 myself but that's because i'm 5'3. a girl who is 6 inches taller than me should not be anywhere near my weight. as long as a person is healthy their weight is irrelevant. so, please go jump off a cliff.
Boyfriends don't mean shit.
A few months back I was grinding on this slam at a bar and getting her ready to go home and fuck, when she suddenly says "we shouldn't - I have a boyfriend." I just looked her straight in the eyes and said "So?"
After a 10 second pause, she grabs my arm and leads me outside, into a cab, and back to her place for a trip on the Pound Town express. Fucked her twice that night (no condoms, of course), and woke up the next morning to the sound of her cell phone ringing. It was her boyfriend calling and she started freaking out because she had cheated with me. She goes "shit, what am I gonna do?" to which I replied: "Do whatever the fuck you want - I'm out. Later."
I don't even remember her name.
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