Brocism in America: Eviction at Western Michigan

The system is fucking rigged. Following their freshman year of College where they’ve successfully vandalized every fucking bulletin board their loser RA puts up, taken dumps in rival halls’ showers, and nailed ever girl worth nailin’ in their building, it’s time to move on. Living on campus is alright and all, but bros don’t do that shit for more than one year. Bros don’t ever want to deal with walk-thru’s by all the poor people who have to fucking work for the schools since they can’t even afford. Instead, we either move into our fraternity house or off campus. You would think that when you’re paying rent for a house or apartment in a College town, you would be free from Brocism. For some reason, even though landlords knowingly rent to kids in fucking College, they still get mad if there’s some innocent fun like slip and slides, underage drinking, or bonfires. While many landlords might never bother you, there’s an even bigger Bro-Hater: the neighbors.

I’ll never understand what the fuck people in a College town are expecting from their neighbors when they move in. Seriously, did you even fucking go to College? Don’t you realize the only studying College kids do consists of trying to figure out if the professor made different tests to catch cheaters? College kids fucking party, so it should come as no surprise that they’re up drinking and making a shitload of noise, god forbid, after midnight. As the complaints start to pile up and the cops are repeatedly called, the sum of all fears might happen: Eviction. Here’s a sad tale of a letter from the neighbor of Western Michigan’s Brett Curran (@brettcurrancy) that details the persecution of a few promising young men whose only real crime was being bros.

I wanted to let you know that our neighbors across the street in (redacted) are up to their old tricks again. They started drinking late afternoon yesterday, and snapped a limb off the tree in their front yard and then stuck it into the ground in front of the house, proceeding to sing "Oh Christmas TREE” to it. I actually have a picture of that, but the damage is clearly visible.

First of all, I’m just fucking pissed I never thought of this shit first. Second, can I please get that picture? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with having a little Christmas spirit? While bros are never conscience of the fucking environment, I think it’s pretty clear here that these bros are thinking about actually saving this tree, unlike all the other masochists out there who cut down a different tree every year and put it fucking indoors. Now tell me, who’s the crazy one here. It’s not like these guys were singing some Nazi Death Anthem or anything, it’s “Oh, Christmas Tree!” It’s a song of love! Just because this bitch is lonely on the holidays because her husband left her since she can’t have children (probably) doesn’t mean she should take it out on us.

I don’t know how much their landlord cares about the horticulture of his properties.

This is a College rental house in fucking Kalamazoo, Michigan, not some 500-year-old Redwood in Berkeley. If you’re so fucking attached to this tree why don’t you go live in that shit like one of those hippies whose mothers’ smoked peyote while they were in the fucking womb.

They were also playing baseball with a hockey stick and a football, hitting the football against the house, and throwing it against the house.

How could they EVER dishonor the game of baseball like that???? Someone sure oughta call up fucking Ken Burns to teach these kids a thing or two about America’s pastime!! Fucking please. Bros are creative as fuck with our games – shit, just last year me and my bros invented the game “Throw Everything You Can Find at the Ceiling Fan.” Started out slow with just some boring magazines and Mardi Gras beads, but it definitely picked up once the parmesan cheese and mulch from our neighbor’s yard made their appearance.

There might not be much to be done about the following, but they were also smashing their glass bottles on the walkway, and throwing their empty beer cans at two different homeless men at two different times during the afternoon and night, at one point shouting “look at all the free ten cents down there... go get it.” I felt compelled to do something, but didnt know what.

I think we’ve established just how much fucking awesome smashing bottles is, so let’s take a look at her other “accusation.” Bros always get a bad wrap for only participating in community service when the court requires them to do so, but when we actually do try to give back on our own we instantly become villains. When the fuck has anyone ever gotten hurt by an empty beer can? And what’s wrong with the statement: “look at the free ten cents down there…go get it”???” Not only are these bros making a donation, but they’re also being safe. You don’t know what type of diseases homeless men have, I mean, for all they knew they could be fucking Lepers. Is this bitch really suggesting these future leaders of America not only donate their aluminum cans, but lose a couple fingers in the fucking process? This bitch is fucking demented. She really needs to go back to masturbating to “Human Centipede” and leave us the fuck alone.

They also took their turns shouting sexually charged comments at passing girls.

Well, there you have it – somebody’s jealous! What do you want, you’re past your prime old lady. Just because these guys won’t bang you doesn’t mean you have to fucking report them to their landlord. This is fucking reverse sexual harassment. It’s just like in the good old days when a secretary who wouldn’t sleep with an executive would be fired, but now, like a White guy in prison, we’re the bitch.

I called them into public safety at maybe 11pm for noise, and then was woken at 12:40am when i heard shouting outside. I went to my bedroom window to see two of them getting into a fistfight, at which point I called 911 about it. Two patrol cars arrived in about 30 seconds- amazingly- but after an officer briefly talked to one of the kids, he shook hands with the kid and left, I’m not sure what transpired, but I went back to bed

You want to know what happened? Here’s a rough transcript:

Officer: What’s going on here guys?
Bro: My father will have you fired if you don’t leave my property!
Officer: Looks like you’re a bro, we’ll let you guys finish up this fight.
End Scene.

See, the cops knew what the fucking deal was, and they were fine with some classic drunken fighting, but obviously it scared this bitch so badly that she had to fucking write this letter. Honestly, doesn’t she have something better to do than rat out some fucking bros living the dream? It’s not like it was a Post-Katrina looting party breaking out in the streets. Last time I checked singing a joyous Christmas Carol, donating to the homeless, rejecting unwanted sexual advances, and staging a live version of Fight Club is not against the law. I’m truly sorry you were not born as a Bro, but please, please, please don’t take it out on us. This is the burden we’re forced to bear. End Brocism Now.

If you or your bros have been subject to Brocism please send your letters to NedsYoungerBrother@gmail.com - our voices WILL be heard.