#170 Thongs

Feminists are just fucking jealous. For every big ass dyke who looks like she’s straight off the set of “Harry and the Hendersons” claiming women are “more than just sexual objects,” there’s like 500 girls doing whatever they fucking can to get better looking. They use pushup bras, expensive ass jeans, a shitload of makeup, and spend thousands of dollars just so their hair looks “cute.” But before they do any of this shit, they reach into their dresser drawer for the piece of “clothing” that demonstrates the undeniable fact that girls will do anything to bang a bro. They say, “Fuck you,” to feminists who insist on draping themselves in Granny panties. Yes, they snag that lacy excuse for a rubber band because deep down they know, they fucking love bros, and bros fucking love thongs.

Thongs represent all the great work our fore-bros have accomplished throughout history. Now, obviously, I’ve never personally tried on a thong, but I can imagine that wearing “underwear” that consists merely of a fabric string pulled up tight on your ass crack isn’t the most comfortable feeling in the fucking world. So why do girls wear them? While it’s probably partially due to the fact that they get some sort of twisted sexual pleasure out of that shit, it’s mostly because they just want to impress us.

When girls strap on those thongs, they’re thinking one thing: “God I hope a bro nails me!” Why the fuck else would they spend so much time trying to make their ass cheeks look perfect? It’s not like when they match their shoes to their fucking purse, where the only reason they wear that shit is to impress other girls. It’s common knowledge girls who pack their asses into a thong aren’t out looking for a husband either. How many TheKnot.com pages start the “How We Met” section with, “Well, thanks to my thong, my ass was looking REAL GOOD, so he approached me to tell me that and….” Fuck that, girls only wear that shit to get that ticket for the Pound Town Express.

I love how jeans are now made for girls so they’re pretty much required to wear a thong in order to “show off the curves of your body.” While “curves” normally refers to some line of fat girl clothing Khloe Kardashian endorses, in this case it’s a good thing. The fact that Women’s fashion is now catering to what bros want makes me think that we’ve got a chance in this Brocist World.

On a serious note though, if you girls out there want your ass to look it’s best, then why wear underwear at all? I guess there’s some sort of feminine hygiene shit involved that I really don’t want to fucking think about, but come on, is that little patch in the front actually doing anything? Is it to protect from your skirt flying up while you’re standing over some street grate like that whore Marilyn Monroe? And how dirty do thongs get? Do you have to like bleach your asshole before wearing it? One of the most repulsive things I’ve ever seen was a thong with fucking skid marks. After dry heaving for a couple minutes I obviously picked that shit up and threw it at one of my bros, but I still haven’t erased that fucking haunting memory. I mean, I can understand what she was thinking, probably just excited to get out of the bathroom to go try to bang some bros, but come on, at least fucking wipe once.

There are a lot of girls out there who call bros names. They say we’re pigs. They say we objectify women. They say we’re fucking crazy. Well I say to those people, fucking open your eyes. Bros aren’t the ones objectifying women – look no further than the so-called “victim.” Is she wearing those high heels, push up bra, and thong because they feel good? Nope – she wants us to notice, to hit on her, and to bang her. So, to the creator of thongs (probably God), I fucking salute you. You truly are a King among Bros.