#169 Girls Who Bang on the First Night

While the rest of the World may need water and air to survive, the only fuel bros fucking need are alcohol and getting laid. So it should come as no shock that bros don’t like wasting time. We fucking #130 chug the shit out of our brew. We pound shots. We’ll even snort some fucking #136 adderall just to get a better buzz. So obviously we’re gonna want our other form of sustenance to come just as fast. However, thanks to the fucking bro-hater society, this isn’t always an option. Some girls think the way to a bro’s heart is holding out on him. They think that somehow, just by making out with him it will show him that she’s “better” than all the other girls, and that he’ll ask her out on a fucking date. Then there are girls who rise up against the tyrannical arm of society’s judgment. They say, “enough is enough, I know what I want – and that’s to bang a fucking bro!” These are the girls that all bros love, because after all, they’re just living the dream, too. Bros fucking love girls who bang on the first night.

Now I know what everyone is saying, “Why don’t you just say bros love sluts??” First of all, it’s true, bros do love sluts, but while all sluts bang on the first night, not all girls who bang on the first night are sluts. Bros fucking drive girls crazy. We make them do all kinds of shit they didn’t even know was possible, because at some point their years of telling themselves that they’re a “good girl” or priding themselves on always having the upper hand on whatever fucking sucker takes them out on dates goes out the fucking window the second she lays her eyes on a bro. The truth is, while a true bro will never be fucking tied down, there’s a much better chance to wrap him up at least for a little while by banging him the first night – and here’s why:

Instantly Identifiable – When bros sit around #35 pregaming, we don’t talk about that “good girl” last year that gave us some shitty hand job while we fed her finger treats. Fuck that - we talk about all the slam pieces we’ve fucking banged! I mean honestly, why the fuck would you even come home with a bro without the intention of letting him lay some fucking pipe? What the fuck, are you trying to earn some of those “slut bracelets” at some junior high mixer or some shit? Anyways, not only do girls get the opportunity to bang a bro, but they also get to be commemorated forever by us talking about all the noises you made during the plowing.

Sets the Standard – There’s really no turning back after a girl bangs a bro. What I mean is that you can’t just bang the first night and then the second time around just decide you’re gonna play hard to get. Girls are fucking tricky liars though, so they might make up some bullshit about being “#123 on the rag,” which is obviously bro kryptonite. I always like to text my slam pieces “Period? Y/N” before I even send out the 2 am bro mating call of “Want to hang out?” just to be sure that when she comes over I won’t be met with that fucking flooding lobby scene from “The Shining.” Regardless, you better fucking believe bros are much more likely to hit up a girl who puts out the first night rather than play “sexual roulette” with some girl that just kept shit above the belt the first time around.

Advances the Relationship: Think about everyone you know in a relationship right now. Now think back to how those two got together. Did they go out to dinner a few times and maybe even some shitty Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy before lighting scented candles, putting on some Snow Patrol, and having awkward sober sex for like 30 seconds? If you’re reading this website, I’m gonna say there’s no fucking chance in hell. I guarantee their relationship began out of some drunken night where they banged within 3 hours of meeting each other. And following that drunken hook-up, they got together some other night all hopped up and did it again. And before you know it, they’re in a fucking relationship. By banging on the first night you take out all the fucking pointless “courtship” and guesswork involved in any relationship, since we'll immediately already know the answer to only two things we really care about: 1) What does she look like naked? and 2) Will she have sex with me?

Society’s traditions shouldn’t apply to bros. It’s a proven scientific fact that, much like those fucking monkeys in that new Planet of the Apes movie, we’re a more evolved life form. So why should girls be required to abide by the bullshit “rules of dating” that were once arbitrarily created by some ugly bitch who couldn’t fucking get any? Banging bros on the first night not only benefits the girl getting slayed, but it makes the World a better place.