#166 Mad Men

Just a few years ago, when anyone would mention the 1950’s or 60’s, visions of families crowded around the radio, biting their fingernails while anxiously awaiting to see what the fucking Lone Ranger does next would enter my mind. Either that or thoughts of a fucking Sock Hop where some poindexter with horned-rimmed glasses would stand in the corner working up the courage to ask some ugly chick in a huge ass poodle skirt to dance to some Fats Domino song. The whole thing sounded lame. I mean, what the fuck was wrong with that generation? They barely had TV, they got married when they were like 22, and worst of all, I seriously doubt they even knew how to #29 grind. I know, sounds like fucking Hell to me, too. But recently, my eyes opened. Thanks to the power of Cable Television, the World has learned of incredible facts that for some reason got excluded from our History books, most likely censored by fucking #133 feminists. You see, bros aren’t just some fad like Garbage Pail kids or condoms; we’ve been around forever. In the 1950’s and 60’s however, we didn’t go by Bros - we were called Mad Men.

For those of you out there who’ve never heard of this show, I suggest you leave your fucking Amish community now before they’ve found out you’re reading this website at the library and stone you to death or whatever it is those fucking retarded inbreds do for punishment. For everyone else, I truly hope you’ve at least seen one episode. Basically Mad Men is about working in an ad agency back in the early ‘60’s and all the shit that went down on Madison Avenue. Now don’t worry, this show isn’t just about a bunch of guys sitting around a room trying to come up with the fucking “By Mennen” jingle. It’s all about how awesome it was for guys back then and, if I’m not mistaken, I’m pretty sure the Director is making a case that we should go back to this type of atmosphere in the workplace.

For bros these days, work means getting in late, trying to hide your hangover from your boss, then pretending to be productive while reading ESPN.com all day. Back then it meant one thing: time to get fucking drunk. To be honest, I really don’t know how they were able to get any work done whatsoever. They were constantly pounding Scotch and other shit non-stop from the second they walked into the fucking agency. I mean, I’ve been drunk at work before, but once I start drinking the last thing on my mind is doing actual work. I’m usually more concerned with trying to convince my female coworkers to take Xerox copies of their fucking tits. But, seriously, when the fuck did drinking become so frowned upon? Don’t you think “going to work” wouldn’t be such an awful thing to say if it meant getting fucking shitfaced all day?

While getting fucked up at work is fun and all, nothing beats their true pastime: banging their secretaries. There was once a time where young women in the World didn’t have these wild fairy tale fantasies of equality in the workplace implanted in them by women too ugly to hold a man like Betty Friedan, Hilary Clinton and the White Aunt Jemima on that “We Can Do It” poster. Back in the “Good Old Days” women used to have one job: making babies. And how did they get that job? By becoming a secretary and banging their boss of course! It’s hard for me to imagine a world without sexual harassment in the workplace, but Mad Men certainly gives us a glimpse. The fucking Bro Kings not only constantly hit on the women in the office (even ugly ones like Peggy Olson) but they also bang them during the middle of the day! And the best part about it? All the guys are married! I mean sure it sucks and all that they’re fucking married, but come on, I feel as though you automatically get your Bro card revoked by saying “I Do,” cheating on your wife is definitely grounds for reinstatement.

“The Good Old Days,” are being reexamined. Some fucking Bro-Haters are even suggesting that constant drinking, secretary pounding, no rights for women whatsoever, and men cheating on their wives was actually a bad thing. In times like this it’s good to see such a great tribute to past Bro Kings Don Draper and Roger Sterling. As feminists spew hate words upon them like “misogynists,” “bad fathers,” and cheaters on these heroes, we know in our hearts the only word that truly applies to them: Bros.