#152 Banging Girls From Work

Work fucking sucks. You’ve only been at it for three months, but they’ve been by far the worst of your entire life. You keep thinking, “Is this really the way I’m going to spend the rest of my life - like some fucking caged hamster? Why am I such a sellout to my bro roots? Am I becoming a bro-hater???” Just as you enter the identity crisis that every working bro faces at some point in his lifetime you hear a knock at your cube – it’s that old annoying bitch that always talks about the fucking weather. Normally you’d just #60 bust a silent fart to clear her out, but she’s got someone with her this time: “I’d like to introduce you to Jennifer – she’s our new employee.” Holy Fuck - Jennifer’s hot. She’s wearing one of those outfits trying to look professional and shit, but you can just tell by the way she’s eye-fucking you – she knows you’re a bro, and therefore she’s down to pound.

Normal people spend months, maybe even years of “courting” someone at work before they even get the balls to ask them out, but you’re a bro, so normal rules don’t apply. You mouth the words, “3rd Floor Bathroom” to the new girl while giving her the international banging symbol of making a circle with your index finger and thumb of your left hand and rapidly sticking your right index finger through it. Ten minutes later, you and Jennifer are going at it in the handicapped stall as the motion-activated toilet repeatedly flushes. Talk about a good first day at work! She’s just lucky she met you – after all you’re a bro and you love banging girls from work.

A lot of people are scared of banging girls from work because they think just hitting on them could be considered “sexual harassment.” Luckily, bros don’t have to worry about that shit. By definition, it’s only sexual harassment if the girl doesn’t want to be hit on, and let’s be honest, who the fuck doesn’t want to be hit on by a bro? If I’m not mistaken, it’s every girl’s fantasy to be fondled by one of us. I mean, why the fuck would they present themselves on the dance floor just begging us to #29 rub our boners on them while Usher tells us how we should act “in the club” in the background?

Anyways, banging a girl from work can be tricky since it’s not just your run of the mill #31 one night stand who you tell you’ll definitely go out on a date with then never talk to again. You see these girls every day and NEWSFLASH: girls make shit fucking dramatic. Sure this blows, but the positive aspects far outweigh these issues – here are a few of them:

Office Hero: Just think about how shitty it is to work. Now think about doing it for like 20 years, with nothing but a wife and kids to go home to. Every office has got these guys who live vicariously through bros. Every Monday they want a full recap of all the shit you got into, while they imagine themselves doing it instead of their depressing actual weekend activities of yardwork, going to some 2 year old’s birthday party, or having missionary sex with their wife for the 4,000th time. So imagine their joy whenever they find out you banged the hot girl in the office. It makes their fucking year! They’ll call you the fucking man and thank you endlessly, usually with tears in their eyes. Then they’ll probably consider either getting a divorce or committing suicide so they can end the personal hell that is their marriage.

Blackmail: You would think girls would be proud for banging a bro at work, but for some reason, this isn’t the case. Typically, when girls submit to their natural carnal urges, they brush their girlfriends’ slut allegations off by claiming they were just really drunk because they didn’t eat dinner or some shit. However at work, it’s a different story. The last thing any girl wants to be known as is the “office slut.” Girls will do ANYTHING to prevent you from telling everyone in the office about your trip to Pound Town. Bros naturally take advantage of this. We agree to keep it a secret, knowing full well this means we’ll always have some shit on the girl. What the girls don’t know, is that even though bros promise they won’t tell anyone – you better fucking believe we tell everyone anyway. Seriously, what kind of charity do you think we’re running here? The fucking Make a Wish Foundation? We don’t care about your reputation – we care about ours.

Playing Dumb: Say one night at the bar you run into “Hot Accounting Girl” who you’ve never talked to at work. One thing lead to another, and the night predictably ends up with some hot reverse Accounting-girl action. While she’s probably expecting you to ask her out to lunch at work next week, you don’t have to do that at all. Just pretend like nothing ever happened. You’ve never spoken to her at the office before, so why start now? Just keep pretending she’s a stranger. If she tries to talk to you, just act like she’s crazy. Pretending you were #142 blacked out when you banged is always fucking clutch. If she gives you shit about being an asshole for not remembering hooking up, just be like, “So let me get these facts straight, I blacked the fuck out on Saturday night and now you’re telling me we had SEX? Oh my God...I feel so dead inside. That’s it - I’m getting a rape kit on my lunch break!” Causing girls to think, even for a split-second, that they might get charged with date rape is about as bro as it fucking gets.

If it were up to bros, they’d never get a fucking job. Unfortunately, at some point society forces bros to have their Dad call his old Squash buddy to hire them at his law firm. While many might consider time at the office a death sentence for a bro’s life, we capitalize on that shit. Bros realize there’s a reason there’s so many porns that take place in an office – it’s because that shit actually happens. After all, you can put a pantsuit on a slam piece, but it will never change the fact that she loves having random anonymous drunken sex with bros.