#149 Knowing When a Girl is a Slut

It’s 30 minutes to midnight on #99 New Year’s Eve and it’s time to make your fucking move. Everywhere you look there are groups of girls dancing in circles just praying some random guy will come up behind them to start #29 grinding. You know it could easily be you anonymously rubbing your crotch on their ass, but you can just sense something’s not right with them. Sure they’re desperate as shit, but there’s a reason that they’re contemplating joining Match.com tonight – they probably don’t put out. You don’t know how you know, but it’s just the blank, innocent look on their face and the fact that they’re wearing a dress designed to hide their gut, so you move on. That’s when you see her in the corner. The only thing drawing you away from her seductively half-closed drunken eyes is the reflection from her sequin dress. Not only is this girl hot – but you can tell immediately she’s down to fuck. You barely say hello before she’s all over you on the dance floor, and before long it’s become obvious: your midnight kiss will be just the beginning of a long night of pounding some strange. Sure you could have punted on second down with that hopeless group of lip stick pigs – but you’re a bro and you never settle for anything less than a score. Bros fucking love knowing when a girl is a slut.

When bros go out, there’s only one thing they’re looking to do: get fucking laid. So it’s understandable that over time bros have become evolutionally capable just by looking at a girl to tell whether she’s a slut and therefore, worth a bro’s time. Bros aren’t fucking losers who go out hoping to have a deep conversation with a girl in order to make a “connection” and get “digits” so they can go talk about their College majors over some fucking soft-serve. Bros demand instant gratification, and to be honest I’d even contend we’ve earned the right after dealing with years of Bropression. So how do bros channel that sixty-ninth sense to identify sluts? Let’s take a look:

How She Acts At The Bar – Girls go to the bar for three primary reasons: 1)To tag along with her boyfriend until he’s ready for #131 Drunk Sex. 2) Because she’s fat/ugly and out “just to dance” with the girls. And 3) To bang a stranger. Obviously bros are only interested in option #3, so how do you recognize them? It’s really almost like she’s in heat – like that hot alien chick from “Species.” She needs the fucking seed of a man – and luckily for her, you’re there to provide that shit. You really don’t even need to look that hard for her, 9 times out of 10 she’ll find you. The greatest moment in any bro’s life is when some hot slam piece comes up to him out of nowhere to start grinding. Whenever a girl initiates contact with a bro at the bar – you might as well stick a fork in her because she’s about to be done.

Reputation – While a reputation for a Bro could mean a death sentence on a College campus, there’s no better tool for knowing when a girl is a slut than her rep. There’s always that one girl who everyone knows that all you have to do is talk to her for like five minutes and you’re guaranteed ass. Bros always scope the bar to make sure they know exactly where these Megasluts are just in case they’re in danger of going home empty handed. Sometimes they might even lay the groundwork by telling them, “Hey, if I don’t find anyone else tonight, I’ll definitely consider going home with you.” Normal girls might take this as an insult, but Megasluts have no self-esteem (or soul), so they take it as a compliment.

What She’s Wearing – In one of the greatest acts of Brocism, girls will actually refuse to dress like a slut because they’re afraid of what other girls might think. How ridiculous is that? Is the point of going out winning the approval of ugly girls or is it to bang bros? Thankfully, true sluts break through this judgment because they realize the easiest way to getting railed out on a bed covered with a bro’s unfolded laundry is going out dressed like fucking Elvira. Honestly, the more cleavage shown, the bigger the slut. I’ll never fucking understand those girls who claim they’re not a slut, yet go out with their fucking tits falling out of their dress. Really? What, you just accidentally bought a dress three sizes too small and then spent two hours fitting inside it because, I don’t know, all your other outfits were dirty or some shit? Fucking please – everyone knows you’re just trying to get banged.

Sometimes being a bro is tough. Whenever you’re one of the smartest, most important, and #109 best looking people on the fucking planet, you’re bound to have thousands of girls throwing their bodies at you. Much like the Planeteers combined their powers to create Captain Planet, bros harness their senses to identify sluts at the bar in order to accomplish something much more important than cleaning up the fucking environment: getting laid. Divide and conquer, bros.

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