#141 Having Facial Hair

Fact: Bros are better than slam pieces in every fucking way. Unfortunately in this country, thanks in large part to Science Fiction books like “The Da Vinci Code” which preach bullshit fairy tales saying “women are more important than men,” we’re moving closer and closer to equal standing in society. Not on my fucking watch. Name one thing that a girl does better than a bro? Surely some fucking #133 femi-nazi out there is screaming, “UMM, HAVE CHILDREN!” Fucking please – Congratu-fucking-lations for not being barren. You want a cookie for something that can be done by every animal at the fucking zoo? While bros will always have the upper hand in their abilities to think rationally, parallel park a car, and not #123 bleed for a week every month, there’s certain aspects of a bro’s life that he often feels he needs to flaunt. While slam pieces mask their insecurities with four pounds of makeup, padded bras, and jeans that they delusionally think changes the fact that their ass is fat, bros are proud of who they are. What better way to show that pride than having it written all over your face? Shaving’s for fucking yuppies. Bros fucking love having facial hair.

 Ever since the days of grade school when the first sprouts of peach fuzz arrived letting all the slam pieces in training know, “Yeah, I’m fucking down for a hand job at the next school dance,” bros have been proud as shit of their ability to grow facial hair. Being able to grow a shitload of facial hair is fucking clutch, as long as it means your entire body isn’t covered with a fucking carpet like that huge ass fucker who banged Charlize Thereon in that movie. Oh man, what was his name? Oh yeah, fucking “Mighty Joe Young.”

First off, let’s set some ground rules. Bros aren’t hippies. They don’t grow beards in protest or because they think they’re fucking Rastas. Furthermore, soul patches, chin straps, “ice picks,” and Goatees do not make you a bro. They make you fucking white trash. If you're sporting one of these you might as well go throw on your all-white tennis shoes and gold chain and get back to doing what you do best: impregnating fat girls. Properly worn facial hair is a key component of any bros life, so let’s take a look at what direction he might take and what it represents.

Sideburns – Sideburns are pretty fucking standard amongst bros. They serve as a good divider between bros and bro-haters. I never understand the fucking red necks that go get their haircut and just tell the fucking barber to give them “the Forrest Gump.” Sideburns basically tell the ladies that, yes, you’re a fucking bro and although you can’t grow out your entire face due to the fact that you have a job, etc., that you’re not some fucking freakshow alien like Charlie Villanueva and it is in fact possible.

Beard – There’s many reasons why a bro might grow a beard – could be to support a team in the playoffs, for a bet, or to perfect that Halloween costume of “Bearded Clam.” However, more often than not, it’s because he’s hungover as shit. When a bro wakes up after a long night of drinking, the last thing on his mind is fucking shaving. Obviously, since he’s a bro, he’s not just going out one night a week, so as the #58 bender extends, so too does the beard. Soon enough bitches start asking him when he’s gonna shave. While losers might take this as an insult and immediately get rid of the scruff – bros take it as a fucking challenge. Bros aren’t told what to do. They do the fucking telling. So the last thing they’re gonna do is sit there and take shit from some girl who’s probably just jealous she can’t grow her own fucking beard. Some girl told one of my bros in College to cut his beard, of course he didn’t fucking do it - just let that shit grow for like two years. He was tough as shit. I’m pretty sure he beat off with Brillo Pads. 

Mustache – When worn properly, the mustache can be one of most bro things in the entire fucking World. The trick about the mustache is that the bro who grows it can’t seriously think it looks good, but at the same time he has to act like he’s completely serious about it. Growing mustaches was fucking hilarious and cool as shit like 6 years ago – then Ashton Kutchar grew one – now it’s finally making a comeback. The more obnoxious the mustache the better. Handle bars are fucking money, as is “The Hitler,” but as long as you’ve got enough growth so you don’t look like a contestant on “To Catch A Predator” you’ll be fine. Bros with mustaches fucking love #102 lying to girls by telling them they’re giving out “Free Mustache Rides,” then not only not go down on them, but also steal money from their fucking purse when they’re in the bathroom wiping down.

As we enter November and slam pieces change out of their #86 Halloween slut costumes to their standard daily #3 slut outfits, we take time to become aware. Like some fucking prankster leaving a broken down car on the train tracks, testicular and prostate cancer threatens to permanently derail the Pound Town Express. For years we had nothing to promote this cause but somewhere along the lines some genius came along with the idea of “Movember.” By growing facial hair, bros across the country can raise awareness against the bro-hater that is cancer. So this November, grow the mustaches. Save the dicks. Be the bro.

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