#139 Dumping Bitches

You’ve had enough of this shit. You and your bros are at the bar just having a quiet little evening aka challenging each other to #130 pitcher chugging contests, when you feel the vibration in your pocket. It’s a #122 text message from your fucking slam piece. “Where R you?? I thought we were supposed to hang out tonight!!” Fuck this bitch. You guys have been banging for the past two months and in a drunken moment of insanity, you actually agreed to the ultimate bro hell: a relationship. Ever since then she’s been crazy as fuck. She tries to get you to meet all her friends, hang out before midnight, and even be seen at the Caf together. And worst of all, she expects you to be sober the entire time. This shit just isn’t cutting it – you’re a fucking bro – you weren’t meant to live in society’s fucking cage of monogamy. As you read the text message you snap – tonight, much like every night, was made for you and your bros to get fucked up and hook up with slam pieces.

Through the haze of chugging three pitchers, you see a familiar face across the bar. You don’t remember her name, but let’s be honest, outside of your favorite porn star, what girl’s name do you remember? Then it hits you – that’s one of your slam piece’s friends. Sure she was annoying as fuck when you met her, but she might as well have been wearing one of Big Ben’s favorite DTF t-shirts because she was looking for some dickin’. You approach her and within 10 minutes, you’re getting fucking dome shots in the girls’ bathroom. Thirty minutes after you emerged from the ladies room doing “The Dougie” while your bros #4 chanted your name, your slam piece calls – she’s fucking pissed. You don’t pick up the phone and don’t even fucking bother listening to the 5 minute long screaming voicemail. You just send her the three words that make you a free man: “We’re done bitch.” Serves her right. That’s what she fucking gets for trying to control you. While bros hate being trapped in a relationship – you better fucking believe they love dumping bitches.

Now I know what everyone out there is saying – “How the fuck would bros ever get into a situation where they would have to dump a bitch? Bros don’t have girlfriends, they have slam pieces!” While this is by definition true, there’s a problem. Slam pieces realize bros are the most genetically perfect human beings so they naturally get attached. They don’t want just a #31 one night stand, they want the whole fucking thing. Sadly, there is only so much bro to go around, therefore we have to step up and do the right thing. We have to let those bitches know when we’ve used them up. Bros get such a fucking high by seeing how devastated a girl gets when she finds out she’ll never get to bang them again. The more she cries and begs to stay together, the more he realizes, “I’m really fucking good at banging!” So how does a bro dump a girl? Let’s take a fucking look!

Loud Public Dumping – Everyone says the smart thing to do when you’re breaking up is to do it in public - that way there won’t be a scene. Well, bros do that shit in public, but they do it to make a scene. By dumping a girl at the bar, while everyone and their fucking mother is around to witness it, not only do you let the World know that you’re single and ready to bang some strange, but that you are the one that did the dumping. Slam pieces fucking love a bro who’s in charge, so this shit just makes you even more of a bang-magnet.

Ignore Her – Say it’s past the point of a public dumping and you just want to move on and really never talk to her again. In this case, it’s best to just ignore the shit out of her. When I say ignore, I don’t mean just wait longer to return her phone calls or text messages – I mean just straight up pretend that she never fucking existed. Like say you run into her at the bar - treat her like a stranger. When she comes screaming in your face about why you won’t talk to her, ask her what her name is. She’ll probably call you an asshole or some shit, but just tell her that’s not your name and introduce yourself. If she doesn’t get the picture by this point, make it clear that you’re single and ask her if she’s got a boyfriend. By acting like she doesn’t exist, eventually she won’t. It’s like David Blaine shit, bitches.

Cheat on Her - Sometimes, bros just need to do the honorable thing: bang another slam piece. Now this is tricky - since bros are the smartest people on the fucking planet, they always get away with #65 cheating, but when you’re trying to dump a bitch, you WANT to get caught. Perhaps the best method is by banging one of your girlfriend’s roommates, #59 Sorority sisters, or even one of her real sisters. This ensures that she will definitely find out. In addition banging one of her close friends will be easy as shit since all girls fucking do is gossip, so they will have definitely heard how fucking awesome you are at banging. She’ll usually be so embarrassed that she’ll never want to speak to you again, which is obviously a fucking jackpot. Side effects for her may include years of therapy, but don’t worry - her future husband/ “taster of your dick” will pay for that.

“Let’s just be friends.” It’s a phrase the rest of society uses when they break up. It may ease their guilt, but luckily for us – we don’t get guilt. When bros dump bitches, there’s no worrying about her feelings or telling her “it’s gonna be alright” while you gently pat her on the back – there’s fucking #44 tears! After all, being with a bro is the pinnacle of any girl’s life. Despite her violent eruptions and ridiculous claims that we’re “assholes” for sleeping with their sisters, time will pass. You fucking know that some late night down the road you’ll get that text saying, “What are you up 2??” Oh, she’ll be back for another ride on the Pound Town Express alright – they always come back.

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