#134 Cheerleaders

July 21, 2010. In one of the most defining victories since a judge let that slut Roe get an #24 abortion, justice was finally served. July 21, 2010. A day where the courts decided to forget about bullshit cases for petty crimes like armed robbery or murder and finally devote some time to the most pressing issue facing not only this country, but the entire World. July 21, 2010. The day the judicial system finally opened their fucking eyes, saw the injustice plaguing bros, and in a monumental decision that was undoubtedly more important for society than Brown vs. Board of Education, they said those magic words: cheerleading is not a sport.

Upon hearing this, bros everywhere rejoiced as if they had just found out they're “not the father” on Maury. For years bros had been telling everyone and their fucking mother that yelling out “We’ve got spirit, yes we do!” does not constitute physical activity, but no one would listen. Well, thanks to a little thing called the US fucking Government, they now had to pay attention. From that day forward any girl claiming that cheerleading was a sport would not only be committing a malicious act of Brocism – she would also be shitting on the #63 US of A. These colors don’t run – and you better fucking believe they don’t hold up signs saying, “Go” or “Team.”

Cheerleaders always try to claim that they “compete in the most dangerous Sport,” but that’s all fucking bullshit. It’s only dangerous because they’re fucking stupid enough to throw bitches like 20 feet in the air and have them caught by four girls who can’t even bench the bar. Try getting fucking blindsided by a 300-pound lineman with 4.8 speed, then tell me if shaking pom-poms is on the same level.

While bros were fucking pumped as shit that the facts were finally straightened out, they were not in any way promoting a World without Cheerleaders. As a matter of fact, bros fucking love Cheerleaders. Banging a cheerleader is like an Indian killing a General – that shit’s worth two scalps. The point is we just want them to realize the reason behind cheerleading not to gain College scholarships, get exercise, or lead any of their God-awful cheers. It’s so we can make fun of them for being stupid, take a break from the action of the game to check them out, and most importantly – bang them. Here’s a look at Cheerleaders in three stages of their careers.

High School – Ah, the first time that girls are officially separated into their proper social classes: Hot and Ugly. It really doesn’t take much talent to make a #111 High School cheerleading squad other than having boobs by Freshman year. I mean honestly, have you ever seen High School cheerleaders in action? It seriously just sounds like you’re at the Parent’s Day performance at a summer camp for retards. And while the hot girls at a high school are always guaranteed spots on the team, there’s always that one spot reserved for the team member who always wins the award for “Most School Spirit.” That’s right – the fat girl. Unfortunately, the Spirit Award doesn’t also include a date to the Prom.

College – At this point, even though that token fat cheerleader tried out, there’s no chance in hell she making the team. The last thing the Athletic Director needs is the boosters seeing some fucking Orca Whale floundering around the football field, so College Cheerleaders are pretty much the cream of the crop. Along with every cheerleading team, each College usually has some sort of dance team. They always have some clever team name, but honestly, they should really just be called “The Sluts.” Since the cheerleading routines are not nearly advanced enough for their dancing background, they turn to something that will really get the bros to want to bang them: shaking their asses to some fucking Ne-Yo songs during timeouts.

Professional – The professional “cheerleader” may be the greatest invention (outside of bros) that God ever created. Halftime of football games used to be boring as shit, but thanks to recent developments in halftime pep rallys/softcore porn shows, it might be even better than the fucking game itself. I’ve been to a shitload of pro games and really can’t remember the last time I saw these “cheerleaders” lead a fucking cheer, but I couldn’t care less. I wonder what it’s like for these slam pieces seeing all the big old fat dudes in the crowd staring at them and knowing, “Yup, he’s gonna masturbate to me later.” Sitting close to the field or court is like being at the greatest fucking strip club in the world. You get a smoking hot slam piece dancing for you and she can’t even shake you down for money to pay for her kid’s day care.

Through the years, the courts and bros have traditionally mixed worse than Kim Kardashian and White guys. However thanks to its groundbreaking judgment this Summer, we have hope. The United States has declared victory for bros. They’ve recognized the fact that the purpose for cheerleading is not to give girls confidence or earn scholarships – it’s to weed out the ugly ones, shove the rest into tight outfits, and most importantly: give on looking bros half-chubs. Bros fucking love Cheerleaders.

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