#119 Midgets

You can’t get over how shitty this fucking cover band is. Not only do they not even know “Scotty Doesn’t Know,” but they insist on playing their original songs. Fuck that - save your Indie Rock for a fucking #89 hipster convention. You and your bros decide you have to put an end to this and start #77 heckling the shit out of the band. After a good 20 minutes of telling the band they’re fucking losers that should stick to their day jobs of performing in the activity room at nursing homes, they finally stop playing. Mission accomplished.

Just when you think this night couldn’t get any better, you see her. Dressed in what looks like the clothes off a Cabbage Patch doll, she’s jumping up and down to whatever shitty ass Black Eyed Peas song the DJ is playing. It’s a fucking midget. While everyone is the bar is trying to pretend that there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on, you and your bros are on the floor pointing and laughing your fucking asses off. Just as one of your bros sprints out of the bar to try to buy some Reese’s Pieces so he can “feed ET,” your bro turns to you and says, “How much to get you to dance with her?”

While you would do that shit for free just for the story, a couple extra bucks never hurt anyone. Your bros decide the going rate for a midget-grind is $33. You make your way over to the target and break through the wall of her “friends” aka girls who think they are better than everyone else because they hang out with a midget and let the grind begin. After about four minutes of dancing on your knees and making innocent small talk like, “Do you even know what it’s like to ride a roller coaster?” you jump up and run over to your bros who are waving the money and giving #13 high fives and fist pounds. That was fucking awesome. After all, you’re a fucking bro and you fucking love midgets.

Honestly, what the fuck’s not to love about midgets. They’re fucking hilarious. I always love it when they try to pretend that they’re real people and lead productive lives. Yeah fucking right – midgets were put on Earth to do one thing and one thing alone: make me laugh. Let’s take a look at some of the great things that bros love about these little freakshows.

Tossing – Although it’s technically illegal in some states, there are bars across the country where for a few bucks, you can throw a midget across the bar. How fucking amazing is that? Sure they have padding on and shit, but who gives a fuck. Imagine getting fucked up at the bar and just watching a fucking midget fly through the air every five minutes. Does life ever get any better than that? Bros should seriously write their Congressmen to stop the inbromane laws that ban midget tossing.

Midgets in Hollywood – Now I’m not talking about all those midgets on TLC who whine about how hard life is for them or that little piece of shit Simon Birch, I’m talking about the midgets that represent some of the greatest actors and entertainers of our time. Midgets such as Wee Man and Verne Troyer are not only hilarious, but they spend their lives getting constantly fucked up and banging hot slam pieces. Fucking Bro Kings.

Strippers – I don’t know who came up with the idea of having midget strippers, but whoever it was deserves a fucking Nobel Prize. You will never see bros go wilder than when a midget stripper makes her way to the stage. Midget strippers also make for great gag gifts at #50 bachelor parties. Seeing the look of disappointment on the bachelor’s face when he realizes he’s going to have a midget crawling all over him instead of a real woman is fucking priceless. All those bro-hater feminists that claim that midget strippers are being exploited can go to fucking hell. They’re just fucking jealous that even a midget has a better body than they do.

While the bro-hater that is society looks down their long nose of judgment at making fun of most handicapped people, it makes a rare exception with midgets. This is most likely because midgets are in fact an integral part of society itself. Without midgets, there’d be no Oompa Loompas. There’d be no Joe C. And most importantly, there’d be no midget porn. So, let’s hear it for the midgets – by far the funniest handicap you can ever hope to achieve.

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