#99 New Years Eve

Society is a bro-hater. Everyday bros wake up and society looks down on us because they are jealous, and to be honest with you society has a fucking right to be jealous. After all, bros are not only rich as shit, the smartest people on the planet, but they also bang the hottest slam pieces without having to go through the Barbaric practice that the rest of society refers to as #75 "dating." For 364 days out of the year, society bad mouths bros and invents words such as "alcoholism" to bring them down. But one special night every year, society turns its head and gives bros a nod to get as fucked up as humanly possible. One night a year bro-haters and ugly girls try to fit in with bros by getting dressed up and having like 3 glasses of champagne so they can tell everyone at work that knows they are a loser how drunk they got. For one night only all of society joins in with bros in a collective #4 chant counting down from 10 to 1 and then goes absolutely apeshit. That one night is tonight. Bros fucking love New Years Eve.

Bros fucking love any holiday that is based around drinking, so much so that they often #46 create holidays just so that they can get more fucked up without society judging them. But when society itself creates a holiday out of nowhere where the entire theme is getting as drunk as you possibly can, you better fucking believe bros are going to be front and center for that celebration. Honestly, whoever invented New Years was definitely a bro. Does it get any better than picking an arbitrary date and saying that not only do you have to get really fucked up, but you also have to make out with someone at midnight? Why don't we have a celebration like this every month - oh wait, bros do that shit every fucking weekend, except instead of a midnight kiss, bros are riding the Midnight Express Train to Pound Town. Anyways, there's a few reasons why New Years Eve separates itself from pretty much every other night bros go out.

All You Can Drink - No matter what you are doing, whether its some #19 kegger in some kid's parents' basement or a big event where slam pieces spend 3 hours trying to decide which dress would look best on some random bro's bedroom floor, there is going to be a constant: all you can fucking drink. Over the past couple years I have dropped some major cash on NYE open bar events here in DC and tonight is no different. While it may be expensive, you better fucking believe that I get my fucking money's worth. Before going to the bar, bros do the math and figure out exactly how many drinks they need to order to break even. It really doesn't get much better than the moment you realize you passed your quota and are now drinking on the house.

Reminisce On Your Accomplishments - Once that clock strikes midnight, girls across the fucking country are going to immediately go to their phones to send out the mass text of "Happy New Years!!!" Girls love doing this shit because they will get like 20 texts back from people making them feel like they are special, which of course they are not. While girls and bro-haters will think back to the previous year and everything they have done including life defining moments such as graduating, becoming an aunt/uncle, or getting a new hand bag, bros measure the success of the year by one factor: how many girls they banged. If it was a good year, you'll often see the bro with a tear forming in his eye as he looks though the pictures of the girls he slayed on his iPhone, silently wondering to himself if this year could possibly be topped. If it was a rough year, there's nothing to fear. The new year is just two minutes old and there are potential slam pieces everywhere. And better yet: they're desperate.

Lay Up Line - There are two days a year created by Hallmark to make girls feel alone and therefore vulnerable. God Bless New Years Eve and Valentine's Day. Every girl out there thinks one of the most romantic things ever is to make out with the man of their fucking dreams at midnight on New Years Eve, but as the clock starts to wind down on the year, they start to panic. They start to try to make plans of having a group kiss with their other single friends or just playing down the tradition saying it's stupid. That's when bros come in. While bros never have to put in any work with girls as it is, New Years Eve might as well be known as Effortless Sex Eve. By making like 15 minutes of conversation with some slam piece before the ball drops you'll not only be making out with her to start the New Year but she'll be locked into coming home with you that night or better yet throwing you some #52 dome shots in the coat closet.

As the New Year quickly approaches, while bros have much to be thankful for including their superior intellect, amazing appearance, and trust fund, I would contend that the world has a shitload more to be thankful for: the existence of bros. Happy fucking New Year.

Full List of Shit Bros Like