Growing up, every bro had that subscription to Sports Illustrated and every week they would get their new issue so they could read the articles aka look at the pictures and maybe skim over the captions. As much fun as it was to read the weekly Rick Reilly article about some retarded high school water boy for the football team that finally got a chance to play so that the other team could let him score a touchdown, there was truly only one reason why young bros fucking loved their Sports Illustrated subscription: the swimsuit issue. Today’s bros never had the luxuries of high quality computer porn growing up that bros-in-training enjoy today. Instead, bros had to rely on scrambled porn, advertisements for bras in the newspaper, and most importantly – the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Do bros love checking out the latest fashion? Do bros really care about the great photography on the tropical photo shoots? Do bros ever read a single fucking word that’s in the swimsuit issue? How about a fuck no on all counts. Bros fucking love the swimsuit issue because of one thing: the fucking models. Bros know that models have the perfect body, and do everything in their power to let all women know that this is the only acceptable shape.
At some point in every bro’s life they’ve had a poster of a model hanging in their room or as the background on their computer. Are these models ever “plus sized?’ Fuck no. Plus sized models are some of the worst people on the fucking planet. They promote getting fat as shit and laziness. What do plus sized models do in photo shoots anyways? Model eating Klondike bars?
Models deserve all the fame and accolades that they receive. They are some of the most important and influential people of all time and the World would be lost without them. Models are amazing because they make “normal” aka ugly girls feel bad about themselves. Therefore they are much more likely to sleep with you because they are not as hot as the Marissa Miller poster you have on your wall. Bros love the fact that over 8 million people watched the Victoria’s Secret fashion show last week, which means there were a shitload of girls taking notes about how they should look. I always hate it when you walk by a lingerie store and see some fatty looking to buy some shit. Doesn’t she realize it’s only meant to be worn by someone who looks like Heidi Klum? I usually just taunt her to the point where she starts to cry and rushes to the gym to desperately run on a treadmill on an empty stomach wearing like six layers of clothes. She’ll thank me later.
While bros fucking love models, there are bro-haters out there who are spreading lies about these perfect people, and it’s time that we here dispel this complete and utter bullshit.
Myth #1: The Modeling Industry Sets the Women’s Movement Back: Give me a fucking break. Name a woman who is more powerful that a model? Can’t do it can you – and if you said Nancy Pelosi or that new Mexican judge-slut, try again. We’re not counting lesbians in this poll. Models are the greatest thing to ever happen to women. If it wasn’t for them, they would have no idea what they should really look like. Not to mention how to get a famous boyfriend or husband. It’s so fucking simple, just look like a model and you can even get some of the biggest bros of all time (e.g. Tiger Woods, OJ Simpson) to settle down in a committed relationship.
Myth #2: Models Create An Unhealthy and Unattainable Body Image: Oh my fucking God, I get so angry just hearing that shit. “Unobtainable?” Are you fucking kidding me? If it were unobtainable then the models wouldn’t have the bodies that they fucking have. It’s called logic bitch. You know who are the ones spreading all this shit around? Yeah, that’s right, fucking fatties. Chances are, if you’ve ever criticized the modeling industry there is a 99% chance you’ve ordered 2 drinks at the fast food drive-thru trying to disguise the fact that all the food you ordered is just for your fat ass. When was the last time you ever saw a model have health problems besides cocaine overdoses? That’s right fucking never.
So the next time you see a model posing in some painted on swimsuit, don’t just immediately start trying to locate and make out their nipples – realize who these women are: heroes.
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42 comments:
haha... Tiger Woods... committed relationship... I can't stop laughing
Good to see a bro standing up for models. I used to slam a slamming model with an eating disorder and all these fatties would be like "omg she has no self respect" or "why would you want to date a stick", fucking fuckly fatties try to ruin the fun for everyone. All I know is this model still had a slamming body and whats more could get anything she wanted from bros, money, power, influence, while the fatties are sitting in their women studies classes still bitching about how the bad smell of their vag should not be judged by society.
Eating disorders are under-rated. Lets encourage them and solve the obesity problem in the U.S. This would be a Win-Win because we wouldnt have near the medical issues and we would have way hotter bitches.
Word, empowering women. That's why when I'm griding and pretending to care, I say shit like "you look like a model" cause she gets all empowered and shit. Empowered to swollow my dick whole, get fucked, and walk her ass home in the morning.
I don't respect women enough to go as far as calling models heroes, but they definitely make slampieces want to look like them which is good.
Bros like reading this sit in Prob Stat and being super smooth
the two drinks for fatasses line is fuckin hilarious
As an actual model/actor I am clearly one of the more powerful women in society. I mean, come on, I'm gettin railed by Brad Pitt. This article is so true and all the fatties with smelly vags who model for Hardee's Monster Thick Burgers should suck on some coke and run on the treadmill for 24hrs straight.
Definitely a good post and 100% true on the Sports Illustrated point. #96 will have to be "Pornstars" I guess.
I hate fat chicks. last 3 girlfriends were cokeheads or had eating disorders or both. one even went to "camp" in Ohio for her purging. I fucken wouldn't date anything less. You know those broads looked good, rib cage and all. God bless Bros and god bless America.
Semper Bro
My favorite part of slaying sluts with eating disorders is when I can see my dick poking out under their skin every time I thrust it in.
If I can't see your ribs, you aren't beautiful.
Great thing about Indiana University is that they showed the Victoria's Secret show in the Union theatre. This gives sluts a chance to talk to and help each other about how to look like fucking models. Do you know what Victoria's true Secret is? DON'T GET FAT, BITCHES.
Tiger Woods is a bro and is probably slamming models on top of the 9 broads hes slamming on top of his slam piece wife. Bros fucking rule and Tiger is an offical BRO. I FUCKING LOVE BEING A BRO.
I go to LMU and they try and have talks about health here and how eating disorders are bad, those fucking bro haters are trying to fatten up all the girls, and ridicule all the hot ones (those who aren't beached whales). I'm trying to get all the bros here to spray paint fat chicks have no feelings on the wall, that'll make them cry and start losing weight and then turn into attractive slam pieces, the plan is flawless.
Bros rule
Models were created by bros, for fucking bros. Some innovative brofessional brolete was bangin some amazing slam piece and thought I need to set the bar for all other bras out there, and also show the minimum bro standard. So he snapped some pics and immediately modeling was born. I will chug the rest of my diesel for that man. Models are the shit.
Models still mystify the world with their hotness and magical ability to survive only on celery, vodka and semen. If they aren't God's gift to bros everywhere, I don't know what is.
I'll admit I was getting pissed this past week, no posts...but there you fucking go again NYB..." It’s so fucking simple, just look like a model and you can even get some of the biggest bros of all time (e.g. Tiger Woods, OJ Simpson) to settle down in a committed relationship."
I have hooked up with two runway models and I have a theory about them. One was white and a former model (aka she was no longer rail thin but still smoking hot) and one was Korean and pretty much barely spoke English and was just in town for fashion week in NY.
In both cases, they had really firm breasts. Not just perky, but firm. Not muscle, and not fat, some new kind of model breast substance.
Has anyone else had this experience?
FB29, you forgot to mention your theory. That is really just an observation.
Tiger Woods is not a bro. Bros don't apologize to their families for banging other chicks. He ruined himself with that news conference.
I know there is a lot of talk on this site about not giving back to the bro hater that is society. But when I read a post like this I can't help but be proud that there are bros out there trying to help society for the better.
Keep up the good work! Bro's are the shit and maybe, just maybe, with your help, society will be as well!
Brian Flanagan obviously doesnt understand how since tiger is a bro he is also one of the smartest people in the world. dudes just trying to keep his sponsers and make the slam pieces feel like he is actually sorry so once he dumps his wife who is obviously too old he can go rail the next 22 year old Victoria secret model.
Tiger's Bro King Status is just on a completely different level.
You have to hate fatties. Thank God we have models to encourage them to do one of two things (or sometimes both)--lose weight or die.
Unrelated to the article: 2 newly discovered Bros.
1st, Brendan Witt for bitching an SUV:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Brendan-Witt-now-undefeated-vs-SUV-s;_ylt=An_gE0bfTijmAoaD9yfxABo5nYcB?urn=nhl,207442
2nd, this unnamed bro, for taming an horse and eagle simultaneously and hunting with them instead of guns:
http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/slideshow/photo//091206/ids_photos_ts/r3387387314.jpg/
Let's not forget about another bro king- the TBB from Unforgivable.
skinny bitches are clutch. this one featherweight hoe i was putting it to back in the day couldn't have weighed more than 95lbs and she was 22. she would get drunk off her ass on one beer and be ready to dome me up before 9 pm. then for an encore, she would go and make herself throw up my bro sperm because she didn't want the extra calories in her system. some quality dome and a good laugh had by all of my bros on the hall as we saw her head to the bathroom to stick her finger down the throat afterwards. it was great. the best part was it was only 9pm by the time this all wrapped up which meant i had plenty of time left to find another slampiece to bring home later that night. pac daddy out.
I too won't even look at a slam piece unless she weighs 1/4 of my weight. These fat girls need to realize that they have only two choices in their lives. Make them selves throw up, or die alone. If you don't have indentations on your lower back or when your legs are spread. Gtfo and get a broflex. For Christ sake that "grandma" shamed your generation in a 15 second commercial.
ahhh yesss...finally somebody realizes the fucking logical flaw behind that whole unobtainable body image argument. i mean seriously, i've fucked some models and some of them didn't even need to work out to look the way they did.
My bro and I invented the perfect diet for slampieces years ago. We appropriately named it: The Stop Fucking Eating Diet. When strictly adhered to, it has a 100% success rate. Which shouldn't surprise anyone because it was invented by two bros, and besides obviously being the shit; bros are the smartest people in the world.
well said broseph montana...i love when a dumb slampiece says that models give them low self-esteem...bitch its called self-esteem! Kat Williams said it best...how they gonna f@ck up how you feel about you simple bitch...
Tiger Woods is so bro that one model wasn't good enough for him, he had to bang 7 (that we know about) more slam pieces. Bro points for Tiger, possibly bro king.
ya totally bro
Check out these bros
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnivIYNCqNI
Your right... Tiger is for sure the bro king!
I don't know what makes me angrier- rick reilly's articles/existence or plus-sized models
oh yeah, except for that one time that a super model died from anorexia. guess that one kinda cramped your style too much to acknowledge.
To the anonymous above, fucking fat whales die of fucking heart attacks by age 23. That supermodel died from choking on a bros cock but fatties tried to blame it eating disorders. Never let the last comment come from a bro hater.
Models are the shit.
There's nothing more annoying that a feminist fatty who whines about "unhealthy body images" that models supposedly promote. As if the extra 50 pounds of lard rolls these cows are carrying are somehow "healthier" that a model who can actually see her own toes. How many women die of anorexia a year? Probably a hundred, tops. Hundreds of thousands of women die of obesity every year. At least the anorexics die happy knowing that they've pleased bros everywhere. The obese fatties die alone in their apartments face down in a tub of Ben & Jerry's while watching reruns of shitty romantic comedies. Get on a goddamn stairmaster you whales.
Spot on, NYB. Models are the shit, and the image of perfection that all women should be.
All slampieces should aspire to look like Denise Milani - long hair, concave stomach, massive fake knockers, and an ass you could bounce quarters off.
I know government handouts are definitely not Bro, but we should make one exception. The government should pay for free plastic surgery for all women so that they can become hot. We can pay for it by taxing the Bro-hater feminists. Make them pay a 300% tax on those bullshit women's studies textbooks, or have a fast food tax that only applies to fat bitches.
This could be the greatest government program ever.
Attention, bitches: If you aren't bulimic, you aren't trying hard enough. That baby fat isn't going to lose itself.
got that Marrissa miller fat-head in my room
bra here. throw anytime i have fast food and i get eye fucked constantly. thank u models for teaching me about it!
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