It’s 11 PM on a Saturday night, normally at this point you and your bros are chugging the last of your brews on the walk to the bars, but today is different. As your bros are having a contest to see how many puffs of a #74 cigarette they can inhale through their nose before they throw up, you try your best to sober yourself up so that the bartender will serve you. After finding something to lean on and practicing “One #43 Red Bull Vodka, please” for five minutes, you’re finally ready. Just as the bartender gives you the head nod to take your order, you feel a pinch at your ass. At first you think it’s your #37 DOFF who often has strange gay tendencies when he gets drunk, but then you quickly realize who it is: the slut you banged last weekend.
“Hey Stranger!” she says – obviously you haven’t #49 called her. In fact, the only reason you remember her name is because she facebooked you.
“Hey…There…You,” you reply, check that - you don’t remember her name.
“Why didn’t you call?” she says.
Under normal circumstances you would tell her the truth: because you and your bros had an impromptu game of “Slam Piece Deal or No Deal” by looking at her facebook pictures, including the ones where she’s in her bikini that she de-tagged from her album entitled “I’m On A Boat!” and there was a resounding “NO DEAL!!” Fuck you banker. But you are drunk as shit and this might be your best chance at romance for the night, so you go with your patented, "I was scared that I might get hurt."
Within a matter of minutes you are #29 grinding on the dance floor to some shitty Ne Yo song telling her all kinds of ridiculous lies like, “I think you’re a special person,” “I’m interested in your feelings,” and “Let’s go out on a date sometime.” You are definitely getting laid with all this ‘A’ game you are spitting. That’s when your bro grabs you.
“Dude we gotta go.”
“Fuck off man, I’m in love.”
“Yo man, we’re not leaving you behind again – remember what happened last time.”
At first you get pissed off, but then you think back to last month when the Fire Department had to come pull you out of a sewer because you got so wasted that you thought you were a fucking Ninja Turtle. Apparently you ordered a pizza and decided to just eat it at “home.” After six hours of yelling “Turtle Power!!” “Gnarly!!” and “Cowabunga!!” someone finally heard you and called the Police. As much fun as a sequel might be, you realize you could pound this slam piece anytime – you have her number under “facebook slut” in your phone so you’re good to go. Sure you’ve been bouncing from bar to bar for the past seven hours, but last time you checked they are still open for four more. Some girl who doesn’t even have a name is not going to stop you and your bros from completing your mission. This night must go on. This bar crawl has just begun.
Over the course of time, bros develop an affinity for certain bars and will go there pretty much any chance they fucking get. Reasons behind their love include cheap brew, a band they like to see, and most importantly a good track record for #31 one night stands. But much like their reasoning in never wanting to get married, bros need variety in their bar scene. There’s no better way to mix shit up than a 10-stop bar crawl. Here’s a couple ways to capitalize on a good crawl:
Theme Crawl: Bros fucking love being the center of attention. What better way than walking down the street past some family of four going to dinner dressed like Payne “Cory Lidle” Stewart? Theme Bar crawls provide the best opportunity to have everyone in the bar wondering what the fuck is up with you. With mystery comes slam pieces approaching you, which in turn leads to #52 banging on top of some big pile of coats in a closet at the bar. Bar golf is a favorite amongst bros, but pretty much anything works.
Taking Over – Bar crawls are the perfect place for bros to wreak absolute fucking havoc. Normally when bros go out, they tend to try not to get #kicked out of the bar. Sure, it’s fun as shit and gives you mad bro cred, but it’s a fucking pain to either sneak back in or get all your bros to come to another bar. However, on a bar crawl, you’re fucking invincible. Since you’ll be leaving the bar in half an hour anyway, why the fuck wouldn’t you do everything in your power to get thrown out? #55 Break shit. Light shit on #33 fire. Who the fuck cares? For those 30 minutes you and your bros own that fucking bar. Everyone there should feel honored that you actually graced them with your presence. So what if you “ruined their dinner” by #48 puking right next to their table. Is that your problem? Fuck no. If they didn’t want bros booting all over their food, they shouldn’t have made 7 pm reservations at a Chinese Restaurant that serves $3 Sake bombs. Dumb fucks.
So this weekend, when you and your bros are trying to figure out where to go get fucked up, be bold. Stand up and declare, “All of them!” At first your bros will be hesitant, but a slow clap will soon develop into a chant of “Bar Crawl.” One bar? Please, that’s fucking amateur hour. Bros fucking love bar crawls.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
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27 comments:
Dude fucking bar crawls are sick. Back when I was with my boys in the wu-tang clan we fucking hit up 12 bars a night. Bros are the shit
Fucking right bro. Let's get hammered.
Great post, pub crawls are the shit. I am also a huge fucking fan of pub crawls with a party bus.
Dewey Beach bar crawls are the fucking shit. 5 blocks, about 10 bars, and slam pieces everywhere = bro heaven. Bros love fucking rolling up 10 deep and ordering 2 rounds of tidal waves in each bar. What do bros do when the bartender goes to splash the cup of water in your face--you all fucking duck down getting all the bro haters behind you soaking wet. Fuck those bro haters, what are they going to do anyway? Dressing like complete assholes only adds to the obnoxiousness. My favorite is the 1994 Dream Team--Coleman, Shaq, Miller, Kemp, and Larry Johnson throwback jerseys.
Man, I haven't been on a bar crawl in a few months...definitely a good call. I'm gonna have to put one in the works ASAP. "Bar golf" is definitely a favorite. Thinking you're a Ninja Turtle is cool, but I once thought I was on the east coast at my bro's college when in reality I was at U of O walking around the freshman dorms. How did that night end up? Some frosh slam piece invited me back cause I was "lost." Fucking classic.
When that happens I usually bring the slampiece along on the bar crawl so we can all take turns making fun of her...
hahahaha there is a deal or no deal ad on the page right now bros are the shit!!!!
Pub crawling in Arlington over break will be fucking spectacular
bar crawls with all ur bros in fake mustaches- always a good time. it confuses bras but they go straight for it to try to figure out whats going on.
bar to bar, rip some shots, dance to the funny song your bros throw on, rip some more shots, grab some bra ass, move on to the next bar with all mustaches intact and do it again.
My bros and I had a great idea. We were drinking all day with slam pieces and we decided to do a Literal Bar Crawl. Obviously, we were kidding, but the slam pieces are girls so they are stupid and they actually crawled. After their knees were all bloody from crawling on sidewalks all through the city, they got arrested. So they went to the slammer & we pounded more slam pieces.
I also like to have a bar crawl for every holiday, birthday, or stupid celebration. Example: your brodawg gets fired because he never goes to work... BAR CRAWL!.. Some one goes to court & gets out of it... BAR CRAWL!..
We tried a bar crawl in high school & it didn't work out, so we made a party crawl. Actually, it was just driving drunk from party to party, but it's funny to say "party crawl" because it's so stupid.
Cincy bar crawls are the shit. walk to the bars around campus then bus it downtown to fuck with the classy slam pieces (or as classy as slam pieces go)
Necessity for bar crawls, the Brohawk. People respect the brohawk cuz it lets them know you're a bro.
NYB Do you know what is going on in my life or something bro? Day before Miami's Homecoming you post "Homecoming" day before our fall break you post "Fall Break Roadtrips" and now, day before my fraternity is having our pub crawl for dads weekend you post "Bar Crawls" Unfuckingreal.
Bros fucking love rolling deep and you just can't get deeper than a bar crawl followed by a brocaine jam
The Bambi Walk. One 3 mile street, 30 something bars. A drink in every one.
If you want a real "pub crawl," a.k.a. let's go to a shit ton of bars and strip clubs, go to Bourbon Street. No real Bro is a Bro until he has had at least a 12 hour adventure on Bourbon Street.
This site is something else. Since coming across it a few months ago I now realize there are other bros out there just like me looking to get fucked up. However, society has come down on me pretty hard these last couple months. Twice I have had to go to the emergency room for falling directly on my face while hammered. Now people are all like, "We care about you and you need to cool out your drinking." Not bro.
People seem to forget that in the opening scene of Mighty Ducks 2 when the Ducks are rollerblading everywhere they are actually on a bar crawl looking for Gordon Bombay and picking up slam pieces like Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.
Educating kids about the Bro way of life and loving America is the shit. HAF.
Bar crawls are the shit. Train crawls are even better. Lets you take over not only bars, but trains. Also when you break shit, who fuckin cares cause in about 30 minutes, you're going to be long gone from that fuckin area anyway. I ripped a sink off the wall and flooded the bar, told my bros, we should go now, code for I just tore some shit up. We left laughing all the way to the next stop. Great article Bro.
NYB,
amazing post, spot on. I hate when bro haters do bar crawls though. I saw a group out last weekend all in snuggies doing a bar crawl. Thats about as straight as an eight. Un bro.
IHSV
More proof bros are smart as shit
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8367141.stm
HAHA this is the shit. We went on a pub crawl last weekend and all of us left our debit cards at different bars.
Puked so tough in one bar's toilet that it clogged and puke toilet water was goin everywhere. Onto the next!
In hoc no joke.
Bar golf is great. When we play we usually put things that you can get additional strokes off of your score for doing. For instance, well go up to a slampiece and say yo hoe, I get 1 stroke off my score if I get a number at this bar and you text me an hour from now, so give me your digits. The slampiece is always ecstatic that you want her to be a part of your game and help save you a stroke on the hole by giving you her number, then an hour later when she texts you, you have no problem convincing her to come back to your bropad later where you can stroke her hole with your wood driver. It is a testament as to how unbelievably easy and retarded slampieces are by the fact that at any bar you can get them to do whatever you want by writing it down on a scorecard and convincing them it will help you beat your bro competitors. If your scoring rounds based simply on how many drinks you have at each bar then you are playing LPGA bar golf, step your game up and award true bro performances for other stuff also such as breaking shit, getting hoes to flash you and stealing like true golf legends such as John Daly and Shooter McCavin would do it. Pac Daddy Out.
we used to pub golf. then every drink became a par 1 and it was kind of pointless so we went back to playing our previous drinking game, 123 DRINK. right now we're planning a pub crawl on fixies but to be eligible you have to forcibly remove the fixie from a hipster night of crawl.
Shout out to West Po bros who fucking love to bar crawl!!!!!
Amazing post - Cowabunga!!! Fucking hysterical haha... when i read this, there was a ninja turtles ad on the left side of the page - bros are the shit - turtle power!
http://2beersgreek.wordpress.com/2009/11/17/pee-hole-burn/
The best thing to do on a bar crawl in a college town is go to a townie bar and fucking take over. It really upsets the townies when you show up with 20 bros and order 3 shots a piece, because they are poor and therefore cannot afford to do things like this. One time me and my bros stopped by a townie bar we had never been to, took a shit load of shots, picked up a couple cups full of straws and made it rain with them, and to top it all off one of our more established bros attempted to pull of the "table-cloth" trick, but he's a bro so obviously he was hammered and the trick sent all of the objects that were previously on the table crashing to the ground. Then we left leaving the poor, worthless townies to clean up our mess.
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