#84 Homecoming

It's Mid-October. You're sitting in the same cube you've sat in for the past three months aka since your Dad got you the job. Work fucking sucks. You've quickly learned that unlike in College, when you get blacked out on a weeknight, you can't just sleep through class and get the power point notes on Blackboard or just #65 cheat off some fucking nerd for the exam. After blowing all your sick days during the summer due to eight separate "food poisoning" instances, you are going to be forced to do your Friday morning alcohol-induced #48 dry heaves in your cube and hope that no one notices. Just when you think that things can not be getting any worse, your 45 year old divorced co-worker comes up to your cube as you and your work bro are #1 talking about how fucked up you got on the weekend.

"Hey, I guess I didn't get the memo!"
"What the hell are you talking about," you snap back.
"That today was blue shirt day!"

As you quickly glance at you and your bro's shirts, you realize that they are both blue. Fucking hilarious. As a bro, you are fucking dying to start screaming about the reasons the old bitch's husband probably divorced her, but since you need your job to pay for bar tabs, you just offer fake laughter. As a part of you dies, you sit back in your chair to pretend like you are doing work while you're really emailing College bros making fun of each other for #78 fat girls you all banged in College. That's when you see the email subject, "This Weekend." You open it up only to see the sweetest thing you're eyes have seen since you were 12 and would get those split-seconds of clear pictures on the scrambled porn channel. It's fucking Homecoming weekend.

For the non-bro population, Homecoming represents a time for the University to show their alumni just how much progress they have made in the Academic and Athletic world. Tours are often provided, seminars are given, and ice cream socials are popular. If you have ever had a fucking scoop of Neoplolitan ice cream at a Homecoming event, you are not a fucking bro. Get the fuck out of here and go back to where you belong: crying on the sideline because no one ever picked you to play team sports. Bros fucking dominate Homecoming. Obviously, they've been back to school already this year to get fucked up and check out the Football team, but homecoming is the one weekend where everyone you went to school with finally comes back to campus to get fucked up. Here's a couple of the most popular Homecoming pastimes.

Multiple Generations of Slam Pieces - Remember all those hot girls when you were at College who had really serious boyfriends? Well you know what? Last summer something happened - they got dumped. This is because their boyfriends woke up out of their trance and realized they wasted their entire College career and that they are only 22 years old and need to bang a lot more girls before they even thinks about getting married. Well guess what - they are going to be at Homecoming and looking to get some revenge on their old boyfriend by banging you. While this is a fucking layup line, don't waste all your time as the rebound bro, theres a whole new crop of girls to choose from. That's right the Freshmen. Spending the night in a Freshman dorm at Homecoming is pretty much about as bro as it gets. The great thing about this is that the older you get, the more bro points you earn. If you're like 33 and wake up in a dorm next to a girl born in 1990, then you sir can take your throne. This also works for undergrad bros trying to get knee deep in alumni slam pieces. The 29 year old girl who hooks up with the 20 year old bro will wake up in the morning laughing with all her friends about how her walk of shame was "soo College" and how she is "such a #39 cougar." Laugh all you want, but deep down inside, you know what you really are: pathetic.

Fucking With Campus Police- Since Homecoming is primarily meant to raise money from Alumni for the school, this means that those who benefit from payment from the school, i.e. the Rent-a-cops aka Campus Security aren't going to do anything to cause Alumni to have a shitty weekend. You better fucking believe bros realize this and take this invincibility to absolutely shit all over school property. Bros hated Campus Security during their time at College as much as Ryan Moats hates obeying laws. Campus Police were always trying to stop fun bro games. Timeless classics such as the "push the rape emergency button and run" game was for some reason looked down upon by the Bro-Hater security guards. But now it's payback time. Taunting the cops by #4 chanting shit like "JV Po-lice" and "Oink, Oink, Oink" to the tune of the beginning of "Eye of the Tiger" would get you into trouble on most occasions but not at fucking Homecoming. And if some fucking hotshot Campus Cop tries to be a fucking hero and tell you to get off campus or worse stop smashing bottles in front of the President's house, just remind that pig who's boss. Sure you haven't donated to the school and don't really plan on doing it anytime soon, but he doesn't fucking know that. Let him know you pay his salary, making him your property. Then tell him to go buy you and your bros some fucking beer. If he asks for cash, don't give him shit. Tell him he already has the beer money - it's called his fucking paycheck.

So as you go back to your College campuses this year, remember - graduation marks just the start of your bro career. Homecoming gives a bro a once a year chance to show just how much of a bro he has become. Be all the bro that you can be.

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