#69 Fake Tits

Throughout the history of time, while bros have worked to master their drinking skills, girls have worked equally as hard to perfect another art form: lying. Now when I talk about lying, I’m not talking about telling your run of the mill white lies that bros like to tell girls such as, “I love you,” “I enjoy spending time with you,” or “I”ll pull out.” I’m talking about the fact that every day a girl lives a lie. On nights before they go out bros spend about 5 minutes getting ready. Girls, on the other hand, treat every night as though it is Halloween and put on their whore costume aka a shitload of makeup and high heels. By the way, you know whoever invented high heels was definitely a bro. Forcing women to walk on their toes all night long just so their ass and legs look better is a stroke of fucking genius. Anyways, the point is, when slam pieces are wearing all that makeup and shit it’s not what they really look like – it’s what they know bros want them to look like, and that is fucking awesome. This presents a problem though. Every bro has woken up one morning only to find half of their slam piece’s face on their pillow. This shit fucking sucks. Plus if you thought the mess on the pillow was bad, you are even more shocked to see the face post - makeup. You immediately want to rub her head in your pillow hoping that some of the makeup will find its way back to her face. So how do girls get over this problem? How do they make these temporary solutions to make bros want to bang them a permanant one? Three words: Fake fucking tits.

Ever since the days of dominating Little League, bros have been obsessed with cans. It's really one of those things that they can’t explain - all they know is that they love them, and the bigger the fucking better. It’s a proven scientific fact that girls can never recover in the mind of bros for being fat, but never fear – even though it might look as though your face was used as a prop in a Gallagher show, you can always redeem yourself as a person by your rack. While natural is nice, they have a tendency to start to sag, but you know what never droops? Silicone.

Bros can spot fake titties from a mile away. Bros don’t hide the fact that they know they are fake either; once they identify the rack, they make sure everyone and their fucking mother knows about it. Recently I was wasted at the beach when I saw a fake set from across the bar. Before I even introduced myself, the first words out of my mouth were, “There is no fucking chance in hell those are real.” I didn’t bang her (her boyfriend was on his way to meet her), but I still got to inspect the merchandise with both my eyes and hands. Bros also always tell slam pieces, “It looks and feels so real,” which is obviously a lie. This is done primarily with the intention of banging them. Bros are smart as shit so they always know what is real and what is not.

Perhaps the best quality of fake knockers is what they mean. A fucking bulls-eye. Even more so than a tramp stamp, fakies mean that the girl in question is in fact not a girl at all – she is a whore. Seriously, what is the mindset behind getting fake tits? That you want more guys to want to bang you? Good news – bros are here to take that bullet. Bros love the fact that even though slam pieces think that their new found tits makes them “the shit” bros know they are not. She's still the same old insecure slam piece with a shitload of new cleavage revealing dresses. A couple well timed remarks about her developing wrinkles or expanding ass (even if it isn’t) can knock her off her fake-tit-induced delusional ride on her high horse and right back to the only riding position a slam piece should ever find herself: reverse cowgirl.

Full List of Shit Bros Like