#62 Fantasy Football

The summer winding down means one of two things for bros: either they are going fucking apeshit because it’s time to go back to college or they are depressed. For post-college bros, even though there is no vacation from work, summer still feels like it. Everyone starts drinking earlier, you can hit up the pool or beach whenever you want, and most importantly – slam pieces are ripe for nailing. As quickly as bros get depressed at the end of summer, they snap back just as quick. You see, for all you retards out there who had to cheat off of classmates in preschool, Summer is followed by Fall, and you know what that means? If your answer to that question was “Apple Pickin’ at the Orchard!!” leave this site right now – I hate you – seriously, end yourself. It means the start of Football Season. While bros love all football, by week 6 not even the biggest football fan is going to want to watch some shitty Browns – Bengals game. That, my fellow bros, is why God invented Fantasy Football.

Bros fucking love Fantasy Football. Draft day is one of the biggest days of the year for a bro. Bros all sit around with their 12 lap tops waiting for someone to draft a player who is injured so everyone can pile on and make jokes about the pick for the entire season. While bros treat fantasy football as a full time job, often sitting at work or in class constantly searching the waiver wire to see if some shitty third string running back might be available, perhaps the most important aspect of a fantasy football team is it’s name. While bro-posers who join a fantasy football league to trick everyone into thinking they are a bro will come up with witty nicknames such as “Pats = #1!!!” or something hilarious and clever like “Thomas’s Team,” bros realize the importance of a team name and therefore will likely choose one out of these two categories.

Sexual References – The fact that Football is played with a ball is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to bros. “Big Brown Balls” or “Big Brown Ballz” (depending on how ghetto you are) are examples of an hilarious team name. Romantic sexual moves such as “Donkey Punchers,” “Rusty Trombones,” “Cleveland Steamers,” etc. are all classics and get the point across every time. Also any reference to the 2 girls 1 cup video are gold. As much fun as it is to have team nicknames based on things you dream of doing someday (Donkey Punch), nothing can top things that have already been accomplished. As you know, bros love to not only kiss and tell, but also fuck and tell. Therefore, all their bros are going to know about their sexual history. Where better to bring up the ghosts of pussy past than in a fantasy football team name? Say one of your bros hooked up with a porker one night and she did not “finish the job” – talk about a fucking softball, you’re obviously going with “Jen Spits Her Slop.”

Recent Tragedies – For most people in the world, there are limits. There is a grace period following a tragedy before jokes can be made. Bros are not most people. Bros love pouncing on that shit because to be honest, the sooner a joke is made after a tragedy, the funnier it is. Examples of past tragedies that were parlayed into team names include Hurricane Katrina, Natalie Holloway’s death, Heath Ledger’s overdose, and the Virginia Tech Massacre. Now if we’ve learned one thing this summer, it’s that nothing is more tragic than the death of a celebrity. This works great in fantasy football, and we are lucky to have so many recent deaths to choose from. Bros might be inclined to go with your standard, “I’d Still Do Farrah” or maybe “U Beat it to MJ” or even “Hangin w/ Mr. Gatti” or one of my personal favorites – “Ground McNair.” Although I wouldn’t really consider it a tragedy – in fact I would consider it a victory for bros everywhere – you know there are going to be some “Pro-Choice Pitino” squads out there this year.

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