#59 Sororities

Bras want to be bros. It’s a fucking fact. If that shit’s not on Wikipedia it fucking should be. You know how I know this? It’s called historical evidence, bitch. For example - back in the day only bros were allowed to vote, but bras got envious. So, rather than listen to them bitch and moan and make funny jokes all day about how they were “equal,” bros finally caved and gave them the vote. This proved to be a terrible idea as it almost got the biggest bro hater of them all (Hillary Clinton) elected president. Prior to this atrocity of a decision came the greatest act of jealousy in bra history. Seventy-five years after the first fraternity was created at the greatest school in the world, a group of bras got together and you can only imagine what their conversation entailed:

“How do we let all these bros know that we are slam pieces?”
“I know – we can create some phony wannabe Greek society! That way they have to bang us! It will also give us the opportunity to pretend we love each other, then say the nastiest things we can think of behind each others backs!”
And so it began.

Sororities are a staple of any bro’s life. Nearly every college has them, and if yours doesn’t, why the fuck did you decide to spend the best four years of your life at the University of Phoenix? Anyways, sororities try hard to be exactly like fraternities, for example they have rush just like frats. But, instead of getting fucked up with your potential future bros, bras talk sober, catching up on fun things like where you are from, what your major is, and what dorm you live in, the whole time judging you to see if you are hot enough to take your sorority out of the campus reputation as the “ugly house” and into “I wouldn’t have to be blackout to bang them” territory. As much as bros give little respect to sororities, they still definitely like them, and here are couple reasons why:

Slam Points – If you’ve never slayed a sorority girl, you are obviously a virgin/not a fucking bro. I’m pretty sure part of the initiation in a sorority is taking an oath swearing you will give it up on the first night. Sure, it’s easy to slam sorority girls, but bros love challenges. Now, I don’t care what college you are at, every school has the incredibly hot sorority where it seems every single girl is a 10 (outside of the one fat girl with all the sorority spirit of course.) At the other end of the spectrum, every college also has the sorority where the only criteria for admission is that you once performed in “Shamu and Friends” at Sea World. Now, unfortunately banging Namu does qualify as banging a sorority girl. So, in order to differentiate between a hot slam piece and "Animal Planet Safari Week," points must be given. Say there are 20 sororities. Most likely, bros have already ranked them from hottest to “most likely to make you puke,” so just go with those rankings. Slamming a member of the hottest sorority gets 10 points all the way down the line to –10 for a feeding session with Porky Pig’s offspring. At the end of the semester total your points up and you will find that semester’s Bro King.

Date Parties/Formals – Sorority date parties and formals truly are the Sadie Hawkins dances for whores. It gives slam pieces the chance to get fucking hammered with some guy they want to bang. If any sorority girl ever asks you out to a date party or formal because, she "just wants to bring someone fun," she is lying. She wants you to nail her. Honestly, it doesn’t get much better than sorority date parties for bros. You know at the beginning of the night you will be pulling ass, not to mention having all the alcohol you could ever want poured down your throat for free, but sometimes thats not enough for bros. They get bored. Bros love to push the limits and see how far they can go and still get ass. Take for example me and my bros when we all got invited to a bowling alley date party junior year. Things were going well. We were fucking hammered, but after awhile we got kind of tired of conventional bowling. We decided to invent some new games. We made up some good ones such as “How many balls can we throw down one lane at one time?” and “How many lanes down the alley can we throw our ball?” Once again – we got bored. That’s when we came up with the greatest bro bowling game of all time: “Who can throw the ball the highest?” As it turned out, we all could throw the ball pretty fucking high, but no one could throw it as high as one of my bros. He’s really strong so he was able to hurl his 15 pound bowling ball to the ceiling and smash a giant light fixture right above our alley, which came crashing down onto 3 lanes. This got the bowling alley manager’s attention. After we informed him that we had more money in our trust fund than he would ever make in his entire life, he decided to be a bro hater and call the cops. Obviously, we are bros so we got away without the cops even talking to us, but we were all banned from ever coming back to that sorority’s date parties and they were banned from the bowling alley for a year. Anytime you cause an entire sorority to devote a major portion of their weekly meeting to talking about your behavior on the weekend you have done your job as a bro. Oh, and by the way – we still got ass that night.

Full List of Shit Bros Like