#51 Taking Coed Sports Seriously

You just graduated from College and you moved back home. Your parents are total bro haters and said you can't even use the car if you plan on #23 Drinking and Driving. You don't have a job yet because you spent your senior year getting beyond fucked up and pulled a solid 2.3 GPA/ your Dad hasn't gotten you one yet. Life fucking sucks. That's when you get the email - "Come play kickball, it's what all recent college grads are doing!" At first you start to respond to the email telling the sender to go fuck themselves and that you never want to talk to them again, but then you look further into it. "This shit doesn't look that bad," you think. "There are fucking slam pieces everywhere!"

Please, please, don't get me wrong - bros do not like kickball, but if they are signed up for kickball or softball or whatever coed sport is in season, bros want to fucking win and will do whatever it takes to make this happen. Bros are competitive as shit. Much of this lingers from their glory days in high school when they fucking ripped up the Lax field. This mean streak was carried over into college with either Club Lax or Intramural sports. Colleges realize that Intramural sports create a lot of heated rivalries amongs frats, thats why most programs award Sportsmanship points and without enough of them you were not eligible for the playoffs. Seeing as how my bros in college sent multiple people to the hospital and instigated countless fights with both the opposing team and the referree, we failed to make it to the postseason all four years. Post graduation, options are limited, thus bros are forced to play coed sports.

There are few things that piss off a bro more than shitty play from girls. The common rule of thumb is the hotter the girl, the shittier the athlete. The more they suck the more a bro has the right to absolutely rip into them. By yelling at girls it increases the chance that they will not come back to play next week, thus increasing your team's chance at success. It also increases your chance to bang the hot slam pieces, too. Slam pieces fucking love to be yelled at and shown who's boss. They also are really fucking impressed when you absolutely dominate on the field. Bros love to show they are in charge on the field. There is no better way to do this than by arguing with the refs/umps, even if you know the right call was made. Say you get thrown out at first in Softball and its not even close. You better fucking argue that shit. If you don't you look like a fucking loser. Often umpires/referrees are either volunteers or old men who are lonely and desperately need human contact. My rule of thumb is the older, the fucking easier they will crumble. There is always the chance that you might go a little too far and the ump doesn't like you yelling, "Since when did Walter Fucking Matthau rise from the dead??" at him. This could mean you are getting thrown out of the game. Don't fucking go quietly. Get in the umps face and really get nasty. Possible topics for discussion include the Umps dead mother, his wife, his children, or pretty much any physical characteristic he might have. Then promise that you will be waiting for him in the parking lot. Wait in the parking lot until after the game is over. If you don't feel like waiting it's also a good idea to key the ump's car. You know - just to send a fucking message. If you fuck with a bro on a field of play, you will be burned.

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