It's a hot July day. You've got all your tables out in your backyard of your #32 Bro Pad. You bought like 5 #19 Kegs. You even just bought a baby pool and slip and slide for the luge portion of the competition. Your slampiece texted you to see what you are doing today, even though she already knew - fucking dumb bitch. Doesn't she know it's still light outside? All your bros are showing up in a couple minutes so you do some last minute work to get the platform and medals aka spray painted beer cans ready. Now you are finally set to go to work. That's right - its time for your annual Bro Beer Olympics.
Newsflash - Bros fucking love drinking. But what do bros love even more than drinking and perhaps ankle socks? Drinking during the fucking day. Now, any true bro would love to drink all day everyday but the biggest bro hater of all - society - says that this makes you an alcoholic. I would first like to say fuck you to society, you fucking bro hater. Just because you ended up alone, crying, and masturbating after unsuccessfully taking girls out on dates your whole life and we banged them after not even knowing their name doesn't mean you have to make this shit personal. Nevertheless, it is unfortunate, but bros now have to disguise their daytime drinking by creating "events." Fraternities are famous for doing this using the mask of philanthropies. So what if more money would be raised at these events if the money put towards beer and liqour to #35 pregame was instead given to charity. Being hammered at the philanthropy event is in many ways more important than any type of money the charity could ever hope to receive. I was recently at a "fundraiser" all day drinking event for cancer, which was announced to us midway through the party. I'm pretty sure they collected about $15 after spending probably about $200, not to mention a couple bros were overheard talking about "stealing the leukemia money for a beer run."
This weekend, the bros and I are #8 rolling deep to Dewey Beach for the annual Running of The Bull at the Starboard, which may be the best event created solely for drinking I have ever attended. Thousands gather in a parking lot and inside the bar at 10am dressed in red. Following the singing of the National Anthem, two bros dressed in a bull costume will run down 6 blocks of beach with everyone running with them, cursing at them and trying to knock them over while families watch on the beach and children cry. People even spend hours making elaborate protestor signs saying shit like, "People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals." I agree, that's gay as shit. Thats why I was almost #40 kicked out of the bar last year at 11am for snapping them over my leg. And this year they have a live caged bull in the parking lot. I'm sure we won't be blackout drunkenly taunting the shit out of it and spraying beer at it all day long. "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING DUMB BULL! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?? NOTHING!! NOTHING!!!" Nothing bad can come of that.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
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24 comments:
Ill be at the bull this wkend dude...just look for the bro in the big country jersey
dick masterson, king of bros:
http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com/
"stealing the luekemia money for a beer run" hahahahahahahhahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaahhahahahahahahahhahahahaha sooo funny!
Stealing the Leukemia money for a beer run isn't even an ethical dilemma. $15 will get about a case of beer, but it won't cure cancer, so might as well put it to good use.
What if that $15 was the money that would have cured Leukemia? Fuck it, bros don't get Leukemia.
Great post NYB - definitely one of your best. The rant on the no-good cunt that is masquerading as Society is brilliant. Bros are the shit.
When you used quotations on "stealing the leukimia money for a beer run" -- out of curiosity, is that a saying? is that litteraly what they said? did they say "lets stealing the leukemia money for a beer run" because that wouldnt make much grammatical sense now would it. would it. would it. would it. would it.
I'm just waiting for the mushroom tattoo posts...bros loving giving girls the mushroom tattoo
face fucking is mandatory brotocol. loads to bitches faces is standard brocedure for bros. if it's not a bropinion, we don't hear it. being a bro is fucking awesome.
Oh yeah, and bros don't give a fuck about punctuation. What he was using a broquation. Bros love to quote other bros because saying awesome shit is what bros do.
I understand that you bros roll deep in Dewey beach, but how are you bros from the DC/MD area and have a post about Events created solely for drinking and not mention Preakness (R.I.P). I mean that shit was like Bro heaven. Smashing beers from 6am-5pm. Running on urinals that your bro's are boning fat chicks inside of, while other bro's hurl full beers at their faces with intentional malice. Preakness gives you the opportunity that showcase at least 35 of the 47 rules of being a bro during one long afternoon. That shit was like bro heaven until the bro hating cunt that is society squashed the BYOB rule.
It was the bro hating guidos that ruined the Preakness. Stop talking so much about Dewey Beach, it is only a matter of time before the Guidos start coming and ruin it as well.
To guys everywhere: “Humpday” has your number. With X-ray vision, this serious indie comedy, written and directed by Lynn Shelton, sees through its male characters’ macho pretensions to contemplate the underlying forces hard-wired into men’s psyches in a homophobic culture.
http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/07/10/movies/10hump.html
Dear sir who was wearing the Big Country Grizzlies Jersey at the Starboard,
You gained some serious bro cred in my book this weekend. After the Running of the Bull, around 5pm, you were banging out my friend Terez in the Ladies restroom. Although she is pretty heinous looking, any day you can work in an afternoon session in the bathroom is a great day. I think the bouncers may have removed you from the bathroom, but that was still pretty awesome.
biggest Bro group assembled: Brodeo on facebook, join and post bro pics
Day drinking is the shit. Tomorrow I'll be out day drinking where society allows every weekend to be exactly like Spring Break- North Avenue Beach.
Being a bro is the shit. As a fellow bro from the DC Area and Starboard employee, I feel this site speaks directly to me
Hate to dissapoint bro but I was not banging out in the bathroom. Terez is my cousin, she let me in to the bathroom so I could piss/vomit..after vomiting I passed out on the toilet, i guess the bouncers werent fans of that in the girls bathroom so I was removed... all in all fantastic wkend tho.
-Big Country
How about the bro hater on wednesday night after the running of the bull who got kicked out of the starboard for socking that bro in the face? He caught a bro getting some love from a slampiece he had no shot with, punches the bro in the face and spills my beer. Naturally some bro-uncers tuned his junior partying ass up and tossed him out on his head. Long Live the Starboard, home of BullSharks and slampieces looking for sex.
PS. Laura Lea is definitely a quality slampiece!
I have to admit that I have been to a few clubs in my day- only when some slam piece is having a drink deal/birthday/me and my slut friends need cock/ whatever... These are THE ONLY instances where a bro may be able to find himself in a club, and only if he is with his bro's pounding shots and breaking shit. As soon as the drink deal ends bro's are required to bounce, and if a "bro" tells you he is setting up a party at a club you better beat that idea out of his head or tell him not to talk to you until he finds his balls. Earlier posts are right though, the best idea would just be to burn fucking clubs to the ground all together, cause they fucking suck.
please eliminate the ankle sock references b/c todays bros wear mid calf nikes with some turf dogs
Dude, what is up with you and ankle socks? Ankle socks are for non bros, all true bros know that it's all about those mid calves, you're losing mad bro cred every time oyu mention ankle socks
Three words to describe the bro-king of all events created for drinking: STATE PATTIE'S DAY! BROwned! Google it if you don't know what it is
I can bro-up your saint patty's day with the biggest drinking holiday i've yet to observe. Fake Patty's Day. It occurs the saturday before fake patty's day so the students (bro haters and all) can drink till blacking out
personally im a big fan of half way to st. pattys
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