#206 Unidentified Drunken Injuries

It’s pitch black and you don’t know where the fuck you are. Your head is #161 pounding and you’re pretty sure there’s #48 puke in your hair. You break out your phone to get some fucking light. Looks like you’ve got a missed text:

“Are you alive?”

Clearly, you made last night your fucking bitch.

#205 Drinking Games

God dammit that second fucking 7-11 Chili Cheeseburger Bite was a bad idea. You’ve just spent the past hour playing your Bro in a best of 13 full cup quarters match, and you feel like you’re about to fucking #48 blow. As the room starts to spin, all you see is a shitload of beer cans and that Slam Piece you #181 called over after the 7th game. Sure it’s only 6 o’clock on a Thursday and she was at the Library studying for finals, but that shit doesn’t matter. She fucking knew a Bro wanted to bang her, so you better fucking believe she sprinted over to your place. Now all that stands in your way from a Pre-“Jeopardy” slay-sesh is hitting this last cup (and holding in your fucking lunch.)

#204 Owning a Boat

Bros wipe their asses with $100 bills. I always hate hearing the fucking sob stories about kids needing to “work their way through college” since their parents can’t afford tuition. Hmm, well here’s an interesting idea, if you can’t afford to send your kids to College, then, I don’t know MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD FUCKING KIDS. Seriously, quit your fucking whining, everyone knows school is expensive and shit. I mean, do you even realize how much I spent at the bars in College?? FUCKING THOUSANDS! But did you ever hear me bitching about it?? Fuck no. Sure, most of the reason I didn’t complain was that I’m better than the fucking poor kids, but it was also because my parents are rich as shit, so I knew I never had to worry about taking some low paying fucking job to “make ends meet” or “buy books.” While every Bro’s family is loaded, we don’t just fucking sit on our wealth like that Jew Scrooge McDuck. We’re fucking out there buying shit so everyone fucking knows we’re better than they are. expensive cars and Beach Houses are staples in any Bro Family’s life, but nothing epitomizes what a Bro is all about quite like owning a fucking Boat.

#203 Girls at the Gym

Bros aren’t fucking #100 Guidos. We don’t spend our entire lives taking steroids and working out so we can go to the fucking #45 club in some Affliction T-Shirt that might as well read “I will rape you while you’re sleeping.” We’re better than that. We’re finely tuned genetic masterpieces. Bros don’t live what doctors might consider a “healthy” lifestyle, but we don’t give a fuck. Our genetic makeup is too fucking perfect to absorb any fat, but even Batman needs to hit the gym every once in awhile. While the primary reason that Bros visit the gym is to maintain perfection, everyone fucking knows the real reason we’re there: checking out all the Slam Pieces.

#202 The Last Few Weeks of College

All the good shit happens in the Spring. For the past few months we’ve been fucking cooped up inside in some weird holding pattern between the NFL and the playoffs/baseball seasons, and to be honest it’s kind of fucking blown. Sure we’ve been wasted for most of that time, but come on, do the prime slam pieces even make it out of their fucking houses during the Winter? Anyways, while weekends are already getting booked up for all #173 day drinking events, there was a time that I fucking hated what these weeks represented. A few years back, I looked at the calendar and didn’t see the swarms of Slam Pieces about to flock to the bars like the fucking salmon of Capistrano. I didn’t see the Beach Bars overflowing with people getting so wasted they had to be carried out at 10 am. I saw the end of College. I saw an end to my life as a Bro. Had I known what I know now, there’s no fucking way I would have been depressed about having to become an “adult.” I wouldn’t have given a shit that I didn’t have a job or even a fucking interview. I would have appreciated it for what it was, because Bros, it truly doesn’t get any better than the last few weeks of College.

#201 Getting High at Inappropriate Times

Laws don’t fucking apply to Bros. We do what we want, whenever the fuck we want to do it, and you better fucking believe we get away with that shit, too. Why? Because our Fathers will fucking sue the living pants off anyone that tries to give us any shit. While currently, the Bro Hater that is society has put laws against buying, selling or holding #70 weed, bros don’t give a fuck. I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? Throwing that shit out? Motherfucker please, that’s not gonna stop us. You see, with Weed, much like with everything else, Bros need a fucking challenge. We’re not like some loser, content to spend his meaningless life married to some fucking heffer, working some shitty job just so he can afford to feed his wife whatever the fuck fat bitches eat – probably goats lowered to them like the T-Rex’s feeding in “Jurassic Park.” Sure it’s fun to get high as shit and watch Adam Sandler movies before he decided to stop being funny, but where’s the fucking adventure in that? Bros need to experience life to it’s fullest, and that’s why we get fucking high as shit at inappropriate times.

#200 Having a High Tolerance

This fucking bitch didn’t know what she was getting herself into. It was clear the moment she saddled up next to you at the bar that she was houndin’ for a poundin’ but for some reason she wanted to make you “earn it.”

“If you want to go home with me, you have to beat me in a drinking contest,” she slurred out of the side of her mouth. You tried to warn her, but then she pulled out the trump card: “Come on you fucking pussy.”

You shook your head and replied, “Whatever, it’s your funeral.”

Brocism in America: The Bengals Cheerleader and The Bro King

Let’s get one thing out of the way: I don’t support child molestation and there’s nothing Bro about rape. I think people that do that shit are fucking disgusting. Thankfully, the molestors and rapists that get caught get everything that’s fucking coming to them in prison. That being said, there’s been some bullshit Brocism brewing over the past few weeks, and I’m not gonna fucking stand for this shit. Here’s a brief recap from the Washington Post:

Sarah Jones, the captain of the Ben-Gals cheerleading squad, was indicted last week on claims that she had sex with a 16-year-old high school football player four or five times and exchanged numerous text messages with the student, as first reported by the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Jones, who resigned from her job as an English teacher at Dixie Heights High in Kentucky in November, faces charges of first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts.

#199 Rob Gronkowski

Bro Kings aren’t manufactured - they’re fucking born. I remember the first time I heard of him. Bill Simmons was going aspeshit on twitter during a preseason game where he blew up for something like 4 touchdowns or some shit his rookie season. To be honest, I didn’t think all that much of it. I mean, it was just preseason, even fucking Mark Sanchez puts up big number in those game. But this wasn’t just some flash in the pan preseason hero like Colt Brennan. This was the coronation of a fucking Bro King. Since that point, his on field performance could only be described as Bo Jackson in Techmo Super Bowl on fucking steroids, but that’s not what makes him a Bro Icon. These days, it’s hard to open up Deadspin or ESPN without seeing a picture him getting wasted or “priming the motor” on some fucking Slam Piece. He’s our Ambassador to the rest of the World and he’s spreading the good news each and every day. He’s Rob Gronkowski – and he’s the fucking man.

#198 Yoga Pants

Girls will do fucking anything to get banged by Bros. Just fucking admit it - every action they take is done so that they can get to Pound Town as quickly and often as possible. To all you doubters out there, what the fuck do girls ever do that’s with the intention of anything different? Work hard in school and make their way to the top of the Corporate Ladder, you say? Yeah right, that’s just so they can make Bros bang them to get ahead in the company (e.g. Condoleezza Rice and Barack Obama (probably)). If girls had their way they’d lie around all fucking day eating tub after tub of Chunky Monkey while they watched some shitty show about how fucking awesome Oprah is or some shit. But come on, girls realize they could never get stuffed (by White guys at least) if they looked like King Hippo’s fucking twin sister, so they actually put some effort into their appearance.